Do You Believe In Magic, Sarah Silverman? [tv]
I was all set to review Sarah Silverman’s Jesus Is Magic DVD. In it, Sarah Silverman is coquettishly sexy, has impeccable comic timing, and is essentially a joy to watch (save for the out-takes which fall a bit flat). I even find her (fake) plugs for Figi water endearingly amusing, and it absolutely would have convinced me to check out her show on Comedy Central at some point.
Only one problem: she completely stole my bit. Not only did she steal my joke, but she even named her stand-up smash-hit DVD for that very joke, elevating it above all the others just to rub my nose in it.
You may think I’m joking, but I’m not. And if you believe me when I tell you that I’m not joking, you may think that I’ve had a psychotic break. I haven’t. She really stole my Jesus Is Magic joke, verbatim.
Since 1992, I have been favorably comparing David Copperfield’s magical ability to make the Statue of Liberty disappear to the less inspiring magical ability of Jesus to turn water into wine. When you grow up as an agnostic (then atheist) in Bible Country, you need a good rant to keep the proselytizing wolves at bay. And a good offense is the best defense. Especially if you can make the other boys think twice about the divinity of their lord and savior vis-a-vis a modern Magician with a much neater bag of tricks. I even made a chunky, bible-thumping eighth grader cry with that rant during study hall in the Spring of 1993, as Y may be able to attest though we really didn’t hang out then (he was a full grade ahead which might as well have been 10 years back then).
You can even follow this comparison up with the true fact that David Copperfield — looking as he does — must have used some kind of supernatural power to win over some of the women he has Biblically known. Make that connection and there’s almost no question of his divinity in the mind of a thirteen year old boy (trapped in a boy’s school no less — these were some pent up dudes). Even now, I still wonder what kind of a Whammy David put on the all-star cast in his ever-growing list of Copperfield Conquests.
And the three I picked to grace the sides of this post are just a sample (the full list is here). This is no new joke or observation, and I’m not claiming propriety on this one, but still: what explains this string of conquests for this man other than Providence or some kind of Biblical-caliber voodoo. Sure, even people who look like Lyle Lovette can hook up with Julia Roberts, but to pull off the same trick time and again is different than a single success story. Once could be accident. Two is a pattern, but much more than that and I know that I see a divine hand on the tiller. 
I imagine it would be harder than parting the Red Sea to get any one of these women to sleep with me, let alone all of them, so David’s definitely Blessed with the modern day equivalent of Job, and I don’t see him with any boils or sores just yet.
But seriously, I’m going to have to start rounding up witnesses to my historical claim to this comparison. I wonder what that chunky kid’s doing now? And there were others who go the business end of the David Copperfield vs Jesus tirade… But first and foremost, I had to devise a plan to get even with Sarah Silverman for stealing my bit and telling it so much better than I did. That’s what really stings. At least she hasn’t pilfered any of my other religious riffs on the Virgin Mary (fucking Dan Brown still has to answer for popularizing that one) or on the attribution of my successes to Pele, the Hawaiian she-god of wrath and fire (that’s still mine as far as I know, possibly because it’s a bit too out-there to make into a decent joke).
So, tonight, in vengeance to the liking of my patron, Pele, I will pray that David Copperfield shall take my cause upon him and revenge me against Sarah Silverman by taking her as the next victim of his divinely inspired Kavorka. It’s karmically what she’s got coming to her for stealing my bit. And, if it happens, I’m totally taking credit for moving the cosmos in that direction.