Wanted Is Going To Suck [movies]

Back in November of 2007, I went into a theater with several members of my family, as many do during the Thanksgiving holiday, and I saw a preview that shocked me with its pure ridiculous Hollywoodness and Angelina Jolie sucktasticness. I’m sure you’re familiar with it:

First strike: Angelina Jolie
Second strike: a retarded line and bending a bullet around a slab of beef
Thirst strike: a ridiculous spinning car “stunt” that scoops up the hero, much to his amazement.

At this point I was laughing out loud and swearing I would never see this movie.

Fast forward 6 months and I see an interview with the artist of the graphic novel, Mark Millar. “Wow,” I think, “this could have some promise….”

First plus: it’s based on a graphic novel by an artist I’ve heard of
Second plus: it’s trying to stay true to the comic visuals, including some pretty graphic violence
Third plus: Millar raves up and down about how faithfully the director has recreated the opening pages of the book in the first 20 minutes.

“Cool, this sounds like it could turn out pretty good!” I think, as I rewatch the trailer and the subsequent ones too. Then I go out and buy the graphic novel, in preparation for watching the movie.

The book is amazing. Fantastic! Over the top and so wrong it feels right. Unfortunately, I quickly realize there is no way in HELL this will be made into a Hollywood movie. E recently sent me a link that gives a synopsis of the plot for the movie. I’m going to give you a little rewrite to tell you how the book goes instead. Yes, there are spoilers for those of you who want to read the book.

Based upon Mark Millar’s explosive graphic novel series and helmed by stunning visualist director Timur Bekmambetov–creator of the most successful Russian film franchise in history, the Night Watch series–Wanted tells the tale of one apathetic nobody’s transformation into an unparalleled enforcer of justice super criminal. In 2008, the world will be introduced to a hero for a new generation ruthless killer the likes of which nobody has seen before: Wesley Gibson.

25-year-old Wes (James McAvoy) was the most disaffected, cube-dwelling drone the planet had ever known. His boss chewed him out hourly, his girlfriend ignored him routinely fucked his best friend repeatedly and his life plodded on interminably. Everyone was certain this disengaged slacker would amount to nothing. There was little else for Wes to do but wile away the days and die in his slow, clock-punching rut.

Until he met a woman named Fox (Angelina Jolie).

After his estranged father is murdered, the deadly sexy Fox recruits Wes into the Fraternity, a secret society a close knit organization of supervillians that train Wes to avenge his dad’s death replace his dad in their clan by unlocking his dormant powers. As she teaches him how to develop lightning-quick reflexes and phenomenal agility fuck like a porn star, Wes discovers this team lives by an ancient, unbreakable code: carry out the death orders given by fate itself has murdered all the superheroes of this dimension and have complete control over then entire human race.

With wickedly brilliant tutors–including the Fraternity’s enigmatic leader criminal mastermind, Sloan (Morgan Freeman)–Wes grows to enjoy all the strength violence, murder and rape he ever wanted. But, slowly, he begins to realize there is more to his dangerous associates than meets the eye life than fucking anyone he wants, killing whoever has wronged him in the past, and taking whatever his heart desires. And as he wavers between newfound heroism bloodlust and vengeance, Wes will come to learn what no one could ever teach him: he alone controls his destiny is the greatest super criminal on the planet.

Yeah, the movie is going to be terrible, sorry everyone.