Candidates On Our Issues [politics]

Having exhausted all of the “big issues” associated with this year’s presidential campaign, the media has once again turned to the really important questions, such as “which candidate would you rather have a beer with?” I for one applaud their willingness to use carefully-controlled social science data to clue me in on which of these two guys I like better. Without the media’s tireless efforts, I wouldn’t have any idea whose personality to prefer and the result could be as catastrophic as an attempt on my part to use independent judgment.

Thankfully, with this question and the other big issues already handled, that gave me a green light to use my recent interviews with Obama and McCain to pose some other questions that might be of interest to our readership. (By the way, you have no idea how easy it is to get a press-pass.) In the vein of the classic “who would you rather have a beer with” questions, I tried to really cut to the quick of some issues that have been swirling around the GP front page and back channels for some time:

Barak: “I’m not sure anything I’ve dealt with compares to the ridiculously long-ass line I had to endure to get the new iPhone. Even AFTER I told those bastards at AT&T who I was… I can promise you that, if elected, I will regulate those monopolistic corporate fat-cats at AT&T into the ground. For the American people.”

McCain: “I’m certain that I have endured several more severe hardships than the one that Senator Obama has just described. My staff will be happy to detail these for you, because they slip my mind just now, but rest assure that they were at least as bad and most likely much more trying than what Senator Obama had to go through to get his ePhone device.”

“Thank you both for being willing to share those personal moments. Let’s just jump right into the issues because I know own time is short. Do you believe that the hype surrounding The Dark Knight is the result of Heath Ledger’s death, or is the movie just that fucking good?”

Barak: “I think I have always, for the most part, maintained that it is a movie would be cut whole-cloth out of the Greatness of the American cinematic tradition. Now that it’s actually out — and I was as surprised as anyone that they refused to forward me an advanced copy, given my consistent support, for the most part, of this film — I can say confidently that early box office returns make it safe for me to endorse The Dark Knight as vastly superior to all films that it can be reasonably compared to.

Moreover, I have long stated that The Dark Knight’s success cannot be rooted merely in the tragic death of Heath Ledger, who — like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., whom I mention not because he’s a black American but because he was, like Heath Ledger, a GREAT American regardless of the color of his skin — was ripped untimely from us before he was able to complete a career of significant public service.

Nonetheless, The Dark Knight is a film that teaches us a lot about ourselves and about the ability of an ordinary man to transform himself into a great reformer and defender of the people. After all, Batman is just a man who makes himself into a hero by believing in the power of individualism — he’s no a traditional superhero and yet he rises through determination into legend. In many ways, I think it’s a film about my campaign, including my ability to couple the will to reform with billions and billions of dollars in support of my goal, much as Bruce Wayne did. I definitely look forward to seeing this film at some point.

McCain: “I won’t sugar-coat this, N8. I’m afraid of clowns. Always have been. I can’t get behind a man who puts on that much make-up. It’s unnatural and a bit creepy, and I think the Academy will realize that the hype is just that — hype — in the end.

“Picking up on that last part of your response, Senator Obama, where you seemed to suggest that Batman is all the more a hero because of the human limitations he has to overcome, are you actually suggesting that there’s greater value in non-superhero heroes in preference to those super heroes, so named because of their supernatural abilities? In other words, do you believe that Batman is actually superior to someone with greater supernatural gifts such as, I don’t know, Superman, for instance?”

Barak: “Yes, I have always and consistently supported Batman over Superman. Not only because his power lies not in some mystical yellow-sun high rather than in his own ingenuity and good old-fashion grit, but also because his costume is much more regal. Not because it’s black, necessarily, because a white costume could also be appropriate at times — I have nothing against that — but Batman has chosen to drape himself in Black and I think America agrees that’s a fair and progressive choice for him to make.”

McCain: “Now that’s just stupid. Why would you back a mere mortal like Batman when you could endorse Superman? It’s a no-brainer, and it takes a warped Liberal mind, out of touch with the simple reality that Might Makes Right to even suggest that Batman is superior to Superman. Sure, he struggles more, which might make him more fun to watch, like a worm drying out on the side-walk in the hot sun, but you wouldn’t want to BE the worm any more than you want to be Batman when you could be freaking indestructible.”

“Thank you both, as I think that sheds a lot of light on something we have been struggling with here. Which reminds me of another topic I’d like to explore: how do each of you come down on the Nintendo Wii versus Xbox 360 debate? Which console system is the superior choice for America, in your view?”

McCain: “I think this question is also clear. The Wii offers the perfect answer to America’s obesity woes. The Wife and I have often had other people over for Wii parties to play Wii tennis and Wii ping pong, some of which that have crept into the late night, one of them even until 1900 hours. I can tell you first hand that the overall health of most Wii players in our assisted living facility has improved dramatically, and as President, I would encourage every American to get Wii Fit.

Obama: “While that may be true, the cartoonish Wii characters cannot compare with the visceral thrill you get from capping enemy soldiers in games like Tom Clancy Splinter Cell Double Agent. Slapping in Call Of Duty 4 and powning a bunch of 15 year olds is just the kind of release many Americans need after trying to claw a few dollars out of this ailing economy.

Since it’s been thrown around in some circles, I just want to set the record straight on this one: I have never intentionally played as an Arab national in Call Of Duty 4’s multiplayer mode. Sure, I might have made some “tough choices” in Double Agent, but that’s fantasy folks. And the fact that I enjoy blowing virtual targets up does not make me a terrorist. It makes me as American as every suburban 16 year old boy with a bad complexion and a stash of well-thumbed issues of Juggs under his mattress.”

“Thank you both. That question was more revealing than I could have hoped, and I’d like to follow up on an issue related to Juggs, if I might. Given the former Administration’s insistence on abstinence-only programs in high schools, I think our readers might be interested in knowing what birth control methods you would recommend for America?”

Obama: “It’s simple: Pull out. The withdrawal method, which I have consistently recommended, can work for America.”

McCain: “We don’t know if withdrawal works, and there’s a great deal of evidence to suggest that it doesn’t. America should continue to surge ahead for as long as possible, in the interest of domestic tranquility. If we pull out now, there will likely be hell to pay.”

“Not the direction I expected from that question, but I think our readers will appreciate your candor. Unfortunately, I have only enough time for one more question….. (shuffles papers) …. Despite the lack of interest some of my colleagues might have in this question, I have to pose it nonethless…

Both of you have undoubtedly heard about the CIA and The Department of Homeland Security’s attempts to combat the ongoing terrorist infiltration of the World Of Warcraft, an issue my organization has published on extensively in the past. What tact would you take to addres this issue as president?”

McCain: “You cannot be too cautious with threats to our way of life. Several years back, as my record demonstrates, I was able to effectively ferret out and prevent a similar terrorist infiltration into the American Association of Retired Person’s Shuffleboard Gaming and Leisure Division. Because it involves a foreign nation, this problem sounds significantly more severe, for if we do not fight Al Queda in the streets of Warcraft, we will be fighting Al Queda in the streets of small town America.

After carefully considering the options since you asked the question and taking a hard look at the nature of the problem, I deeply regret that military force will undoubtedly prove necessary. Regrettably, the candy-assed diplomatic measures my opponent will likely suggest would be doomed to failure, giving comfort and dangerous time to our enemies as they continue to solidify their death-grip on what I can only assume is a nation whose freedom represents a vital national interest to us.

Only a decisive military strike into the heart of this Kingdom of Warcraft would dislodge this threat and put these terrorists to the sword of international justice, American-style. Following the conquest of the Kingdom, loyalty oaths would be administered to all citizens, and — with the cooperation of a newly democratically elected government — we can continue to root out any threats to our national security as long as is necessary.”

Obama: “Just because someone choses an Arab-sounding name or plays Horde-side doesn’t mean they are a terrorist. All the good names have been taken for years anyway, and what kind of a red-blooded American plays a gnome when they could play a freaking axe-wielding orc or troll? Even if there were terrorists infiltrating WoW, who the hell cares? What do they do then? Chafe America’s youth by stealing mobs out from under them or ninjaing the good loot out of the dungeons at the last minute? The CIA can’t do half the job that these 13 year old kids can do of ferreting out annoying players in their midst and putting them the virtual sword.

But, since I’m expect to have a “plan” for every stupid piddly imaginary problem, I have developed a three-fold strategy to combat the terrorist infiltration of the World of Warcraft. First, I would coordinate with Blizzard to ensure that continued expansion packs make all terrorist footholds, much like legitimate player gearing efforts, essentially worthless as soon as the new expansion comes out. Second, I would form a separate division with the Department of Homeland Security to address this growing threat, hiring as many high-ranking guild-leaders as full-time federal employees as possible, who would have the responsibility of informing on suspicious activity. Third, the CIA would be charged with the development of advertising materials to be translated into Arabic and distributed through a variety of medium to advertise Everquest to the Arab world. Once diverted into and trapped in this gaming backwater, terrorist threats would be effectively neutralized.”

“I want to thank you both for your time this afternoon. Please accept these Geek Prospectus tshirts as our first to you.”

Obama: “No, thank you.”

McCain: “No thanks.”