Draft: Overrated Movies: The Final Round: The De-Overratening!

By: LD · October 1, 2008


In which the damn gloves come off!

Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Collective Farms!

E:

Dr. Zhivago

Why this movie is remembered as one of the greatest love stories of all time is beyond me. I watched it, and even if I got past the dated style or old film stock, it’s still a bizarrely boring and stupid story with hammy performances and horrific and nearly comedic editing at vital parts of the story. Literally, there’s a moment where a woman walks up with a dead baby in her hands, and everyone’s silent and watching her, as she says the baby’s dead, and the scene STARTS TO CUT AWAY BEFORE SHE FINISHES HER SENTENCE. Way to really hammer home that emotional moment, Lean. It’s too long, it’s ineffective and boring, and is barely emotionally resonant enough to make me remember the characters’ names.

“My God, it’s full of crap!”

LD:

2001: A Space Odyssey

Maybe I’m missing the boat on this one, because I haven’t watched it since high school. I’ll admit I wasn’t the most sophisticated viewer at that point. But, I went into watching 2001 with a full head of steam, having just read and loved the novel by Arthur C. Clarke. Unfortunately, the movie is boring. Very, very boring. Which is not to say it’s meritless, because it’s a highly-intelligent, brilliantly directed film. But, no matter how intelligent it may be or how innovative its shots are or how clearly considered the choices in the score were, it is still boring. So, while it may succeed as a metaphor or as a technical masterpiece, it is impossible to divorce the film from one of the basic goals of the medium: to entertain. The film’s inability to keep the viewer engaged is its Achilles Heel, and a very significant one, at that.

Grimbil:

I was all set for my head to explode, ala E, but then I saw you have read the book. That’s the key to understanding the film….without that information, the movie is 1000x more confusing. You really can’t watch it w/o the book.

It’s the only book/script combo that I know of which were written at the same time by separate collaborating authors. That makes it pretty special, and overhyped or not, it’s still a masterpiece.

The thing that I love about the movie, after reading the book, is that you understand Hal is not inherantly bad. W/o the book as reference, you just assume it’s broken and/or evil, when in reality its just following its programming.

LD:
Oh, totally. I also think that the initial sequence with the monolith reveals so much more about Clarke and Kubrick’s view on evolution and the perils of technology. The film cuts a lot of the interesting material in favor of the “smart monkey uses bone to kill!” image, which sort of gets it across, but loses a lot of the nuance…particularly with respect to how it ties in to HAL.

SN:
I loved the book and its sequels. The movie, though, sucked fucking donkey balls. It was boring and inexplicable, while the book was exciting and thought provoking. The only cool part was the last 15 minutes, if you happened to be stoned.

LD:
SN provides the less tactful version of my review.

N8:
I completely agree with the 2001 pick. I almost picked it myself each round, and I still wonder whether I should have. Just glad it’s on the board.

E:
It took 3 rounds for us to get to the classics, and just start thrashing them. I agree with everyone’s pick so far, in fact, I’ve never even finished 2001. But, if anyone picks It’s a Wonderful Life, I’ll fucking kill them.

LD:
They would, however, be highly relevant.

E:
You really think It’s a Wonderful Life is OVERRATED? Not overplayed mind you, b/c it is..to death. But it is a legitimately excellent film.

LD:
What? No. I mean, I’ve only seen it once. I’m talking about the bank-rush scene!

N8:
I prefer the It’s a Wonderful Life director’s cut, actually. Where he does kill himself but decides to take a couple of other people with him. Donna Reed’s character included.

E:
ah, gotcha.

You should check it out again, it’s great. Watch it y’know, when it’s not christmas. I admittedly am a Capra fan, which some people are not.

SN:
N8’s right,the directors cut is great. So’s the alt ending,where jimmy stewart jumps of the bridge at the start but only ends up paralyzed and his wife has to fuck the whole town to pay his medical bills.

“No peace until I save Len Wiseman’s career? Damn it.”

SN:
Fuck it, I’m going to pick The Sixth Sense. The
further away we get from 1999, the more we see how much we overestimated M.
Night Shyamalan’s capabilities, as every movie he puts out sucks more and more.
I did enjoy this when I first saw it and maybe could still enjoy
it somewhat for its dark atmosphere and well-acted roles. The only problem,
though, is that it contains one of the most giant fucking plot holes of any
movie ever created. Unlike in, say, Psycho, where the twist actually makes
sense, this twist is more retarded than Johnny Knoxville playing a fake retard.
Remember that South Park where everyone stops talking to Cartman, so he pretty
quickly comes to the conclusion that he’s died and is now a ghost? Bruce Willis’
character is unable to figure out that there’s something very wrong going on
even after months of everyone but a young boy avoiding talking to him
completely. You have problems with your wife, Bruce? Oh, you mean like she
hasn’t talked to you or made you dinner or even acknowledged your fucking
presence in six months? Yet you just accept that as marital difficulties?
What, is she mad at you that you got shot? How about everybody else ignoring you
as well? How do you open doors and shit? How the hell did you ever hook up with
Haley Joel Osmont in the first place? You sure as shit didn’t get him on a
referral, since you’re fucking dead. The real twist here is that Shyamalan is
actually retarded and has yet to realize it. Six Oscar nominations for this
movie? Fuck you.

LD:
Holy shit. I never thought about that. Mind blown.

E:
I never had the chance to enjoy this movie in any capacity, since it was brutally spoiled for me by someone I immediately had to murder on the spot. So I’ve always kinda hated this movie.

N8:
Signs is about 30 times better than Sixth Sense because it’s actually got some really funny moments. With or without a believable “twist,” Sixth Sense just isn’t much fun to watch.

LD:
Two better twist endings to The Sixth Sense:

1) It turns out Bruce Willis was afraid to love!

2) It turns out that knowledge was Bruce Willis’ treasure.

E:
3) turns out him thinking he was dead was all a dream, and he was dreaming in the mind of an autistic child.

N8:
4) turns out the kid is dead too but can’t pass into the next life unless he helps the ghost of Chris Hanson catch the ghost of Bruce Willis…

Y: (Wait, what the hell is he doing here?)
5) Bruce Willis is a zombie.

E:
6) Bruce Willis and Tyler Durden…ARE THE SAME PERSON! WAH!

N8:
7) Bruce Willis is the only one who can read The Golden Compass.

The first all-color hardcore fetish film.

N8:

The Wizard Of Oz (1939) is both overrated and dated, a classic example of a movie “classic” that people are unwilling to let drift into the haze of memory for inexplicable reasons. Apart from its vomitous techni-color color scheme, it’s hard to know where to begin to discuss its shortcomings. Like most dream sequences made into movies, this one doesn’t feel compelled to make much sense. It’s “camp” after all, so it can just be silly. But it’s not funny. And it’s silly in a way that doesn’t translate well. Plotwise, the Witch is “bad” because she wants something Dorthy stole from another dead witch and possibly because her taste in pets is rather questionable. Which reminds me about how irritating the songs are the pepper the movie. They are the 1930s equivalent of whatever that annoying Teletubbies chant that kids regurgitated without breaks to breath for about five years. Why an adult would subject themselves to this movie (or their children to it) is beyond me; the movie defines kitsch rather than transcending it.

There you have it. All of these movies are now considered laughingstocks for eternity. If you mention them at a cocktail party, you will probably be kicked in the shins by people wearing black turtlenecks. Consider yourself warned.

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