Terrence Howard and 2009

TH: Oh shit, it’s Ray Charles, speakin’ to me in ghost form!

JF: Mu…what? I’m Jamie Foxx, bitch.

TH: Yo, it’s like Obi Wan Kenobi on some Star Wars shit, but with his eyes back! Tell me Ray, how’d you write such classic songs like “Golddigger”?

JF: Muthafucka, I’M JAMIE FOXX. I played Ray Charles in a movie.

TH: Ray, you so crazy man. Hey, tell me if you like this one. I’m calling this “Panties Gaza Strip,” y’know, in honor of all that crazy ass shit going on in Pakistan. [starts playing guitar and closes eyes]…

JF: [grabs guitar away from Terrence] LISTEN TO ME, YOU DOPEY BITCH. I’m JAMIE. FOXX. And I’m callin’ you out. You ain’t got no talent, no skill, bitch I was doing this sensitive black actor/singer/musician shit before you, and now you just out here embarrassin’ yourself and takin’ shots at me. Muthafucka, I will go all Miami Vice on yo shit.

TH: Ray…look. I don’t know why you gotta be so angry. Here, take these baby wipes and do yo business.

JF: Muthafucka, get these baby wipes outta my face.

TH: I don’t like the way you talkin’ up in my face, Ray. Don’t you forget, I was the fuckin’ War Machine in that Iron guy movie. You hear that man. WAR Machine.

JF: Yeah, what’re you gonna do about it.

TH: I tell you what I’m goin to do about it.

JF: Oh yeah?….wait, why you takin’ yo pants off?!

TH: You goin’ feel the wrath now, motherfucker. The wrath of Lil’ T!

TH: Ohhh shit…it’s black Colonel Sanders!

JF: Minister Farrakhan!

MLF: This black singer/actor on black singer/actor crime has to stop. Hollywood is already conspiring to rid its waters of talented, young black men like yourselves. It’s time to squash this beef.

TH: Yo, fuck beef. I want a three piece. With cole slaw. And a biscuit.

JF: Minister Farrakhan, I want to be on your side, but I don’t see how I can let go of the shit that Terrence has been talkin’ about me and my music. I’m serious, I take my craft seriously, I’ve been playing piano since I was 3 and this clown ass comes in acting like he’s the king of this shit out of nowhere.

TH: Yo, Ray Charles, can you spot me? I left my wallet in my guitar case back at the studio.

JF: Muthafucka, shut your face.

TH: Ray, look man. Why don’t I sing you a song as payment? You can even sample it like you did in that Golddigger song for the clubs. Here we go. Ahem….”Giiiiiiiiirl, gaza strip down to yo paaaaaaaantiiiiieeeees…I’m ’bout to drop the boooombs, but not booombs of war, but booombs of loooooove, cuz my looove is the booooomb”

JF: I…don’t even know what to say to you right now.

TH: Yo, that shit is good, right? Yeaaaah, I know.

MLF: [shaking head] I thought this might be difficult, that’s why I brought in a familiar third party to help mediate this conflict.

Robert Downey Jr. Heeeeeeeey cowboys and cowgirls, look at both of these fuckin’ guys. Yeah, long time no see, T, Foxx. Yeah, so how’s everyone doin’? Look, I just flew here on a jet from shooting Sherlock Holmes and boy oh boy, let me tell you, that Guy Ritchie, that guy is crazy. Just every day, constantly, talking about Madonna’s pussy. I swear to God, do I care what Madonna’s pussy smells like? I get it, it smells like the plague, but what does the plague even smell like? Those crazy brits, I don’t even understand what they’re talkin’ about sometimes, like an elevator is a lift and an apartment is a flat and a pub is a gastropub? Whatever, right? I mean as long as you can get drunk, who really gives a shit, am I right? Do you hear what I’m sayin’? Ehh, whatever, so let’s get this started. T, what’s the problem?

MLF: Excuse me sir, but who are you?

RDJ: Who am I? I’m the motherfucking RDJ, man. Robert Downey Jr. Here. In the flesh, just like you asked for.

MLF: No, this isn’t correct. I asked for Robert Downey Jr.

RDJ: Present.

MLF: The star of Tropic Thunder?

RDJ: Correctomundo.

MLF: I was told that he was black.

RDJ:……….ooooooh, I see what you’re getting at. Hold on a sec.

Kirk Lazarus: What’s up, you jive turkey bitches.

TH: Yo what’s up Jerry Lee Lewis, man.

KL: So what seems to be the problem.

JF: Yo, this is some straight up offensive shit right here.

MLF: WHAT in god’s name are you doing?

KL: Whatchoo doin’, motherfucker?

MLF: I brought you here to solve a problem.

KL: Well that’s what I do, I solve problems.

JF: Yo, tell this bitch to keep my name out his mouth.

TH: “Gaaaaaazaaaaaaaa, giiiiirl you soooo gaaaaazaaaa”

KL: [pulls out gun, shoots Terrence Howard in the face] BLAAAAM!

JF: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

KL: I’m solvin’ yo problem. Plus this motherfucker was always pulling his dick out on the set of Iron Man. Well, I’m off now.

[walks off into the sunset, as life leaves Terrence Howard's shimmering blue eyes]

THE END………….?