About the same level of fast but perhaps not as furious

Dear Fast and Furious,

What the hell are you? Who is the marketing wizard that came up with your name? Are you really going to take “The Fast and the Furious” and just drop the “the”s in the latest installment? Why do you even exist? Look, “The Fast and the Furious” had some entertainment value to it, even if it was a really bad movie starring a man who probably wouldn’t get the lead in most high school plays. The second movie, “2 Fast 2 Furious” was fucking terrible, with an equally terrible name. “2 Fucking Stupid a Name 2 Fucking Awful a Movie” would have been more appropriate, but that probably would have blown any chance to get a PG-13 rating, I guess. I made it a point not to watch “Tokyo Drift.” Now, you, the fourth movie of this fucking abysmal franchise, basically have the same title as the first movie. Who is this marketing geared towards? People with memory loss who think it’s still 2001? “Dude, The Fast and the Furious is out! It stars Vin Diesel, who’s still cool, and has yet to star in ‘The Pacifier!’ And Ice Cube is still a badass!”

Why haven’t other geniuses out there caught onto this strategy? I mean, Sylvester Stallone has I guess, with “Rocky Balboa” and “Rambo,” but you can tell from how he talks that he just can’t count real high. I’d like to see this applied to more movies. “The Godfather Part 3″ could have just been “Godfather,” for instance.

In case you can’t tell, I was being sarcastic. Your name is fucking stupid. If you were a kid in elementary school, other kids would push you into lockers because of how stupid your name is. Kids with names like Jack Hoff and Dick Assface would be relieved when you walked into their classes. They’d be all like, “Thank god ‘Fast and Furious’ is here, now everyone can stop picking on me! What a terrible name!”

In conclusion, fuck you. Sincerely,

SN