Reader’s Digest: The ABA Journal Magazine

The picture above is the cover of the February 2009 issue of ABA Journal Magazine, the Lawyer’s Magazine. As you can see, the feature story is “How to Practice Law Like Lincoln.” Look. We all know that Lincoln was a pretty kick ass President. But young lawyers don’t want to know how to practice law LIKE Lincoln, they want to know how to practice law BETTER than Lincoln. Here is an easy list of ways to practice law better than Lincoln:

How to Practice Law BETTER than Lincoln:

1. Earn nickname “Honest ___” early in life through deception and trickery. Crush anyone that gets in your way, even if means you have to lie, cheat and steal.

2. Shave beard. It makes you look stupid.

3. Write kick ass emancipation proclamation. Read it while drunk at high school graduation party before jumping off the roof into the pool. You will be a legend. Probably not for the proclamation.

4. Win Civil War and free slaves. If there is no Civil War, create one, and then win it, poindexter. Do not, repeat, do not try to create slavery. This is a beginner’s mistake. This will result in you practicing law WORSE than Lincoln.

5. In college, stick to chicks.

6. When inevitably offered the position of President, decline with a loud, arrogant statement, “Hey, did you know the President doesn’t even MAKE laws? That job’s for suckers.” On way out of press conference, punch out Helen Thomas. Bonus points for round house kicking David Gregory with your long, supple Lincoln legs.

7. Start a law firm with partners that have last names that rhyme with Lincoln. Possibilities: Stinkin, Drinkun, or Thinkin. Make clever commercial with some sort of jingle that incorporates these rhymes.

8. Don’t die at Ford’s Theater. This is possibly the most important tip, other than the “don’t create slavery” tip (see tip 4).

8a. Proudly go to Ford’s theater and hire a guy to try to assassinate you. When he approaches you, spin around and break his hand, judo chop his throat, and then throw him over the balcony. When the crowd looks up at you, shrug and simply remark, “No ticket,” as you point to your fallen foe. Prepare for history, buddy.

9. Grow old. Now is appropriate time to grow beard.

10. Collect that sweet Lincoln money until you die of natural causes. How’s it feel, better-than-Lincoln-law-practicer? How’s it feel?

It’s that easy!