The Joaquin Chronicles: The Worst Rap Concert Ever

Casey Affleck: This rap concert is going to skyrocket your career, Joaquin. We’re going to get so much great footage for your documentary, this is going to be historic. The guests we have planned.

Joaquin Phoenix:……………

CA: Joaquin?…are you listening to me?

JP: [scratches beard]………

CA:  Joaquin, listen, this is important.

JP: what is this…what a rap concert? …what ever. …….*mumbles*

CA: Look, you just need to get out there and use your amazing rap talents to wow this crowd.

JP: …..*mumbles*…hmph…..whatever.

[Joaquin walks on stage to a crowd wildly cheering. A very pregnant MIA joins him]

MIA: NO ONE ON THE CORNER HAS SWAGGER LIKE US. SALT PICKLE BANANA RAPPER SWAGGER BANANA BOYS.

JP: ………what is this, a rap concert? This is….you gotta be fucking kidding me.

MIA: ‘OME OWN, WUAKEEM! JOIN IN DAH BUMBACLOT BANANA STRAWBERRIES PAPER FIRE AND TAKE YA MONEYYYYY.

JP: ………*mumbles*

MIA: AND TAKE YA MONEY! LADIES ‘N GENTLEMAN, MUH FUCKIN’ COCOA CEREAL, BARNEY RUBBA!

Barney Rubble: Well my name’s Barney Rubble and I’m here to say, I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way!

MIA: AYYY, BARNEY RUBBA, BUMBLE *GUNSHOTS* PAPER DYNAMITE BOJANGLES..AND TAKE YA MONEYYYYY!

JP:…..what is this, the Flintstones? This is fuckin’….psht, whatever.

MIA: LADIES AND GENTA…MISTA CHRIS BROWN!!!!

Chris Brown: WITHAYOUUUUU WITHAYOUUUU WITHAYOUUU WITHAYOUUU WITHAYOUUUUUUUUU [moonwalks across the stage]

MIA: AYYYY! CHRIS BROWN! IS A….WUH?…..huuraaarghghgh [her water breaks, collapses on to the stage]

CB: Oh my god, she’s having her baby! Quick, someone, get a doctor!

BR: There’s no time, Chris.  uh HEE HEE! We gotta deliver this baby ourselves!

JP: …….what is this? a fuckin’ baby delivery? this is…you gotta be kidding me.

CB & BR: Ready? One, Two Threee, PUSH!

MIA: AHHHHHH! AND TAKE YA MONEY!!!!

[a baby is born, it's a girl!]

MIA: ohh, it’s a beautiful paper banana salt my pickle telemundo jungle parachute pants!

BR: …are you retarded?

[spectre of the Emperor appears above Chris Brown's head]

Emperor Palpatine: Chris…you know what you must do.

CB:…must…choke…baby…girl.

BR: Chris no! Resist the dark side!

EP: THERE IS NO RESISTING THE DARK SIDE. MUAHAHAHAHA

CB: Must…choke.

MIA: GETCHA PICKLE APPLE AND BANANA AWAY FROM MY FOOTBALL MARSHMALLOW CHOPS! AND TAKE YA MONEEEY

JB: What is this…some kind of star wars parody?…this is..fuckin’ stupid.

CB: Must choke…

BR: There’s no stopping him! Who can we call?

Sam Jackson: MOTHERFUCKER, I WILL MACE WINDU YOUR FUCKING ASS IF YOU DON’T GET THEM BUTTA SOFT HANDS AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY JAMAICAN LADY’S BABY.

MIA: I’m actually Sri Lankan.

SJ: SHUT UP BITCH!

EP: You leave me no choice, Samuel L. Jackson. [waves hand around]

CB: [holds out lightsaber] Must…choke…baby…girl.

SJ: MOTHERFUCKER, THAT SHIT IS FUCKING OLD SCHOOL. DON’T YOU KNOW I’M MOTHERFUCKING NICK FURY NOW BITCH?!

EP: Well actually, I read a news item that said you might not….

SJ: SHUT UP, BITCH. [pulls out gun and shoots Chris Brown in the shoulder].

CB: [falls to the ground]…unnhh…where am I?

EP: NOOOOOOOO! [spectre fades away]

SJ: MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WERE POSSESSED BY AN EVIL SITH LORD, YOU DUMB BITCH!

CB: Thank you Samuel L. Jackson. What can I do to repay you?

SJ: MOTHERFUCKER, I’M JUST HAPPY TO HELP OUT IN ANY WAY I POSSIBLY CAN.

[Suddenly, a land shark jumps out of nowhere and proceeds to eat Samuel L. Jackson]

SJ: AHHHHHHH! THEY HAD A SHARK EAT ME! A FUCKIN’ SHARK!!!!

Jabberjaw: Nyuk nyuk, nyuk, I gets no respect.

DANCE PARTY!

Epilogue: No one survived, because of the silent killer Radon. Have your house checked today.