VP Joe Budden: Obama press conference
Damnit, Budden
In case you missed it, President Barack Obama spent a good deal of time at his last press conference fielding questions about Vice President Joe Budden. Below is a transcript.
David Gregory: Mr. President, last week on the Senate floor, the vice president grabbed the mic and said, “Pump p-pump p-pump pump p-pump pump it up!” Do you know what he was referring to?
Barack Obama: Well, yes, David, I believe the vice president was speaking about the economy, and specifically the need to pass the economic stimulus package, which, thankfully we did. It should help “pump up” this economy by saving 3.5 million American jobs, if you will. Yes, uh, Sam Stein?
Sam Stein: Mr. President, coming outside of the Capitol, I caught up with Vice President Budden, and when I asked him about new regulations on the financial industry, he responded, “Fellas - do your thing let me do my thang/ I mean - do your thing let me do my thang/ Shorties - move that thing, mami move that thing/ C’mon - move that thing, mami move that thing/ Hustlers - do your thing let me do my thang/ Please tell the DJ - pump p p pump pump it up!” Can you elaborate on this?
Obama: Well, Sam, we need to let those in the financial industry “do their thing” within the framework of proper regulations, of course, to help get this economy back on track. The lenders need to be able to get money flowing again to those who need it, to get businesses up and running and putting more Americans to work. I don’t want to pre-empt what my Secretary of the Treasury will have to say on this matter, so that’s all I’ll say for now. And of course, things are never so bad that sexy women shouldn’t be allowed to shake their asses. Let’s see, uh, Helen Thomas?
Helen Thomas: Mr. President, what’s with the beef between your vice president and the Hova himself, Jay-Z? Why can’t Budden and Jigga put the past behind them and focus on the task at hand?
Obama: Helen, I would like nothing more than for that to happen. I’ve spoken to the vice president about this matter, and he knows that I feel that friends of friends should be friends. That said, I can only do so much to spark change. Those two will need to sort out their problems from their days together at Def Jam and put them behind them. I have tremendouse respect for the vice president. I also have tremendous respect for Jay-Z. His wife, Beyonce, is a very sexy woman. She takes good care of herself, unlike that slovenly Jessica Simpson. Have you seen her lately? A picture of my family got bumped from the cover of US Weekly to make room for her fat ass. They couldn’t fit both pictures on the cover. She–
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs: Mr. President, I think we better move on…
Obama: I mean, to put that kind of weight on in a time like this, when millions of Americans are struggling just to put food on the table…it’s just despicable. Fortunately we passed the economic stimulus package, to help get this nation back on track. Next, we’ll need to pass the Jessica Simpson metabolic stimulus package of 2009, so we can get her fat ass off the cover of the tabloids. I’ll take one more question. Uh, Chuck Todd?
Chuck Todd: Mr. President, I read recently on hiphopdx.com that Just Blaze was able to effectively quash a beef between the vice president and rapper Saigon. Are you at all concerned that your vice president’s tendency for inflammatory quotes is becoming a distraction?
Obama: Chuck, I think this speaks more to the resolve of the American people and their ability to put behind the polarizing times of the past and focus on working together. If you’ll remember, Vice President Budden recently said of Saigon, “And when this show is over, I will commence to putting my fucking foot in this n*gga’s ass.” Yet Just Blaze was able to calm them both down. It’s going to with people like Just Blaze that we will cool tensions in the Middle East. I may yet have a position for him in my cabinet…
*Music blares over the sound system and Joe Budden runs onstage with a mic*
Joe Budden: Pump p-pump p-pump pump p-pump pump it up!!!
Robert Gibbs: Thank you all for attending, that’s all the time we have for today…
Christian Bale: YOU DO IT ONE MORE FUCKING TIME AND I AIN’T WALKING ON THIS SET IF YOU’RE STILL HIRED. I’M FUCKING SERIOUS. YOU’RE A NICE GUY. YOU’RE A NICE GUY, BUT THAT DON’T FUCKING CUT IT WHEN YOU’RE BULLSHITTING AND FUCKING AROUND LIKE THIS ON SET. I AIN’T THE ONE WALKING. LET’S GET TOM AND PUT THIS BACK ON AND LET’S GO AGAIN. SERIOUSLY MAN, YOU AND ME, WE’RE FUCKING DONE PROFESSIONALLY. FUCKING ASS…
Obama: What the fuck is he doing here?
Cameras cut away…