The Joaquin Phoenix Chronicles: Ripped from the Headlines!

By: E · February 18, 2009

HOW IT COULD HAVE GONE…..

Casey Affleck: Alright, we got a lot of good footage today for your documentary, Joaquin. And look, your movie Two Lovers had a great weekend! You get the night off.

Joaquin Phoenix: ….*mumbles*

CA: Try to take it easy, okay? Don’t go too nuts tonight.

JP: mmm….whatever.

[Casey Aflleck leaves, Joaquin sits down in his living room]

JP: mmm…*picks up bottles sitting around*..what is this, Xanax? Psht…fuckin’..whatever.

[Joaquin collapses in a chair….out of the shadows behind him emerges a now familiar figure]

Maniac Chimp: [in proper British accent] Hello Brother Joaquin.

JP: ….I knew you were…fuckin’…whatever.

MC: Do you know what this is? This is a Glock pistol, fully loaded, the safety off. Perhaps we should speak about our earlier discussions regarding the large sum of money you now owe me from your days in the scorpion/toad gambling matches.

JP:…..whatever.

MC: You simply do not want to agitate me, for you see, I have an ungodly itchy trigger finger at this hour of the evening. Plus, I took some of your pharmaceuticals that you’ve already perused on your living room coffee table.

JP:…mmmm…..*grumbles*

MC: Now you see, the money, Brother Joaquin. The money, or your life.

JP: …………….*coughs*……*scratches beard*

MC: Very well, Brother Joaquin. It seems you leave me no choice. *begins to squeeze trigger*

[DOOR SWINGS OPEN]

Clint Eastwood: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

MC: Ah…Mr. Eastwood. It seems we meet again.

CE: CLYDE……IT’S TIME YOU AND I HAD IT OUT, YOU FUCKING CRAZY MONKEY.

MC: Clyde?  You ignoramus, Clyde was an Orangutan. I, as you can see, am a chimpanzee.

CE: GRRRRRRRR! GET…..OFF….MY….LAWN!

MC: Lawn? [laughter] There is no lawn here, you old looney. You’ve met your match.

CE: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

MC: It seems that in this case, the man has become the beast [lifts gun to Clint Eastwood] and the beast, the man.

JP: *scratches beard*……mmmm…..*yawns*…this is fuckin’ stupid.

Deer Tick: HEY GUYZZ?!?! WHO WANTS LYME DISEASE?!?!

MC: NO! DEER TICK, MY ARCH NEMESIS. YOU AGAIN?

DT: YO DAWG, LYME DISEASE IN DAH HOUZE!…..HEY JOAQUIN! DAMN MAN! YOU LOOKIN’ FUCKED UP! YOU GOT ANY COKE?

MC:……losing….[hunches over]….cognitive…function……[drops gun]…..can’t….speak……..[drops to all fours]…OOOH AHH AHHH AHHHHHH!!!!

CE: [picks up gun]

CE: I always knew it would come to this Clyde. You brought this on yourself. You should’ve never eaten the last Cruller that day, you miserable fuck.

MC: OOOH! AHHHHH AHHHH! [poops on the floor]

DT: AWW DAMN MAN! THAT DUDE JUST TOOK A SHIT ON THE FLOOR! YO, YOU NEED THAT GUN? I COULD GET AN 8BALL DOWN THE STREET FOR IT FROM THIS GUY I KNOW. OTHERWISE, I’M GONNA HAVE TO…Y’KNOW…DO OTHER STUFF.

JP: ………*mumbles* this is..fuckin’…implausible.

CE: So ask yourself, chimp. Do you feel lucky?

MC: OOH AHH AHHHH!

CE: well…do ya?

[Eastwood shoots the chimp in the head, as he falls to the floor]

CE: Good night…sweet prince [wipes single tear away from face]

[silence]

DT: [runs up, searches through Maniac Chimp’s pockets]…AWW SNAP, SON. $20! I GOTZ TA GO, Y’ALL! SEE YOU PIECES OF SHIT LATER! [runs out the door]

CE: You always knew it was going to end this way, didn’t you?

JP:…*scratches beard*….whatever.

CE: Yeah…whatever. That’s what you said last time.

[Eastwood leaves]

JP:….*yawns*

Please get checked for Lyme Disease.

Filed under: All,Tomfoolery

Comments

4 Responses to “The Joaquin Phoenix Chronicles: Ripped from the Headlines!”
  1. DJ says:

    This is a valuable public service, E. Lyme Disease is real and dangerous, people.

  2. E says:

    Even though technically, in this scenario, Lyme Disease was kind of the…hero? THE POWER OF LITERATURE!

  3. LD says:

    You know this Deer Tick is voiced by M.C. Chris, right? He HAS to be.

  4. SN says:

    Who’s the chimp then? Ian McKellen?

    It’s probably Ian McKellen.

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