Save us, Ken Griffey Jr.

By: SN · February 20, 2009

Thousands lose their jobs every day. Banks fail. Osama bin Laden remains at large. Yet in the cruel darkness of night, a glimmer of hope. Ken Griffey Jr. is returning to the Seattle Mariners.

When Ken Griffey Jr. last played for the Mariners, a nation was enamored with his youthful spirit and playful approach to the game. Things were better. September 11 was the day that came after September 10. No one cared about the Taliban (except maybe people in Afghanistan, wherever the hell that is). The nation had yet to be raped by George W. Bush.

Seattle General Manager Jack Zduriencik has gone out on a limb and called Griffey “arguably one of the greatest athletes to ever play in the Seattle area.” Whoa. Let’s not get carried away here, Jack. Let’s not overlook Shawn Kemp and Detlef Schremp here (remember they made a formidable team in NBA Jam), or uh, that kid who was a street legend at four-square or something.

Well, I’ll take it a step further: Ken Griffey Jr. can restore integrity to the game of baseball and save the nation. To do so, however, he must first defeat the six roid monsters — Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Alex Rodriguez, Rafael Palmeiro, Jason Giambi and Roger Clemens. (Note: I have yet to read Scott Pilgrim, but I want to. Also, I totally thought of the concept first, so shut up).

Today’s episode: Mid-flight encounter

Ken Griffey Jr. flies across the nation from Seattle to Arizona to report to spring training, eagerly anticipating his 20th big league season.

Griffey: Man, these first-class seats are sweet! I can even pick what show I want to watch on my personal tv…let’s see here…oooh, Myth Busters! Sweet!

Flight Attendant: Can I get you anything, Mr. Griffey?  

Griffey: Yes please, Royal Crown cola, please.

Alex Rodriguez (seated a few rows in front of Griffey): Junior, is that you?

Griffey: A-Rod! You look…bigger, man. You been lifting?

ARod: Uh, yeah, sure Ken. I love…working out.

Griffey: You know what I love? The game of baseball. And America.

ARod: I did too, once. That was before my cousin got to me.

Griffey: Your cousin? What are you talking about?

Alex Rodriguez’s cousin, holding multiple syringes in each hand: AHAHAHHAAAA!!! No one leaves this plane without getting injected with steroids! NO ONE!!! AHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

ARod: No, no it can’t be! How did you get here?

ACuz: No one escapes the wrath of Alex Rodriguez’s cousin! I will inject you all! (begins injecting multiple people with steroids)

Griffey: No! This must be stopped!

ACuz: You can’t stop me, Griffey! No one can!!! (uses mind to control ARod)

ARod: Must…kill…junior…

Griffey: Alex, no! Don’t let him control you!

ARod attacks Griffey, landing a few punches before Griffey hits him with his trademark rising sun roundhouse ultra death kick. ARod goes down.

ACuz: You won’t defeat me as easily! I will make you do steroids. (throws syringes at Griffey and grows Wolverine-like syringe claws).

A fierce battle ensues. Though seemingly outmatched, Griffey gains the upper hand when he pulls out his Louisville Slugger and hits a giant fireball at ACuz, burning him to a crisp.

Griffey: ARod! I’m sorry!

ARod: (breathing heavily) It’s ok…I’m free from his spell now…Now…I can have…peace

Griffey: Noooooo!!! Do not go gently into that goodnight!

ARod: All I ever wanted to do…was play ball, Ken. Now I can…in Kevin…Costner’s…backyard (dies)

Griffey: Damn, that was messed up.

Flight Attendant: I’m sorry Mr. Griffey, but we don’t have Royal Crown cola. I brought you some Faygo cola instead.

Griffey: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Next time: something else

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