Down With Fast Food Draft! Round 1

By: E · February 26, 2009

It’s been a while since we had a draft, and so here’s our draft of Fast Food Restaurants We’d Like To Banish from the Face of the Earth. Consider it a reverse “Favorite Fast Food Restaurants” draft. We also had three participants with everyone jumping in whenever they wanted to. So fuck the structure. This is a Tornado Tag Team match.

And awaaaaay we go:

PICK 1:

SN) Subway. It’s not that their sandwiches are bad (they’re light years behind Quiznos, mind you), but they fucking annoy the living shit out of me. Jared Fogle? Worst spokesman ever.

He must have gotten fat again or something, cause we haven’t seen him lately. We have, however, seen the worst advertising blitz ever. Five! Five dollars footloooooongs!! Fuck you, Subway. I don’t need some shitty ass jingle stuck in my head after it plays during every commercial break ever. I sure as shit don’t need to see people who can’t sing perform the jingle on TV, and if I wanted to see some gay dance number, I’d rent High School Musical. I’m done with you, Subway.

E) Wow, with your first pick, and you take down arguably the LEAST fast foodiest one of the bunch. What are you, some kind of nihilist?

I really like subway, but I always feel kinda stupid feeling like a sandwich is so much better than it used to be back in the days simply because they “toast” it now. Fuck your delicious toasting and fancy pants bread. They do, however, make awesomely chewy cookies.

LD) I want to disagree with you on principle, because I hate you.  But, I can’t eat subway.  Really, I just can’t do it.  I walked in to one on Saturday, intending to eat, and I left because it just depressed me.

E) Subways that aren’t in frou frou suburban areas are incredibly depressing. Therefore, all subways in DC are incredibly depressing.

PICK 2:

LD) McDonald’s. Seriously, I know they’re the biggest target, but holy shit.  If I had a penny for every bland food item that McDonald’s served every year, I’d be as rich as McDonald’s.  There’s nothing worth eating on that menu…save for McGriddles, which get their flavor from being poisonously unhealthy.


E) See, now, I have to disagree. I still love McDonald’s. And I don’t know why. But I do.  Also, McChickens will always be amazing. Filets of Fishes too.

I heard that if you give a baby a McGriddles, it immediately dies.

SN) Chicken fucking nuggets, son. Barbecue sauce. There’s nothing quite like them, and for you to want to do away with them just puts your stupidity on full blast. And Men’s Health ranked the Egg McMuffin as a great way to start your day…so, suck it.

Also, you apparently hate kids with cancer, cause eliminating McDonald’s would put the Ronald McDonald House out of business. Asshole.

LD) The Mcd’s chicken nuggets aren’t fit to lick the taint of their Wendy’s equivalent.

SN) Please. Wendy’s all-white meat nuggets just ain’t got the same feeling. Give me those old time McNuggets.

PICK 3:


E) Chik-Fil-A
I want to banish Chik-Fil-A for principle, as their food is actually pretty good (though about $1 too expensive).

1. They hire 15 year olds to work. HOW’S THAT CHICKEN SANDWICH TASTE, MADE FROM THE SWEAT AND TEARS OF CHILD LABORERS, SOCCER MOM?!

2. They are closed on Sundays, the day when you most would want one of those delicious chicken biscuits from being hungover on the previous saturday night. Fuck you Chik-Fil-A

3. They are closed on sundays b/c the owner is christian. Ever heard of a thing called The Constitution, CFA? There’s the establishment clause, which says that your fast food establishment has to practice freedom of religion  when I order food from them. Your establishment is clearly christian. Which means you violate the first amendment, which means, that you suck. I’m a lawyer. I know this stuff.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, CHIK-FIL-A?!?!?! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!

LD) I was going to pick Chik-Fil-A solely for reason number two.  It turns out that I still need to eat on Sundays.  Who knew?  But yeah, the food is tasty.  Plus, I get a rush out of ignoring the proselytizing,

SN) Just cause you’re a pagan bastard doesn’t mean that the rest of us should suffer. Sure, there’s no Chik-Fil-A on Sundays, but there’s plenty of delicious chicken to eat the other six days of the week. Maybe it would do you well not to gorge yourself for just one day of the week, you foppish heathen. I’m all for child labor, maybe if more kids learned the value of a dollar at a young age, there wouldn’t be so many people slinging crack and living in Section 8 housing in this country.

E) Oh also, Polynesian sauce? Chik-A please. That shit is SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE. DON’T FUCKING PATRONIZE ME, YOU CHURCHY McCHURCHERSTEINS.

SN obviously has no scruples. He’s ruled by his stomach, and his taste buds, just like Mussolini was.

SN) MUSSOLINI GOT THINGS DONE.

E) Hey Pol Pot, here’s some more chicken chunklets from Jesus for you to eat on Saturdays. Try the Polynesian sauce, it’s irrelevantly named.

SN) I will gladly eat Chik-Fil-A with Polynesian sauce on Saturdays, while you wallow in the misery of a suburban Subway filled with fat people trying to change their circumstances by eating two foot-long meatball subs.

E) Which would cost them $10. While your chicken sandwich alone costs $6.50. IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP.

SN) Money well spent, if you ask me.

LD) This has really become a socioeconomic debate

SN) Hard-working individuals like myself can afford to pay another dollar for a sandwich and stimulate the economy, while those who can’t hold a steady job (like E) may prefer to get the cheapest product available.

E) FIVE!

FIVE DOLLAR!

FIVE DOLLAR FOOTLONGS ALL UP IN YO MOUF

LD) I only eat diamonds covered in caviar.

E) But can I just say that I still love mcnuggets, even though, the joke as old as time itself, it’s not REALLY chicken? At least McD’s has enough sense to call it sweet and sour, instead of INDO-CHINESE-ISH SAUCE

SN) Platinum encrusted Chik-Fil-A sandwiches, y’all. Did I mention that I’m a billionaire?

LD) My, what a cute baby. I have a baby at home made entirely out of one-hundred-dollar bills. Why do you think Jesus loves me so much? Is it because I am a billionaire?

SN) Mmmm…Khmer Rouge sauce…now with extra blood of innocent children

I’d say that’s a pretty appropriate place to end round 1.

What is this a picture of? I have no idea, it’s filed as “trans fat”

Filed under: All,Drafts

Comments

2 Responses to “Down With Fast Food Draft! Round 1”
  1. e-roc says:

    I finished reading this 5 minutes ago and I’m still laughing!

    POLYNESIAN SAUCE?? I think those kids and female dancers from Myanmar made it…

  2. SN says:

    Did y’all happen to notice that Kenny Powers refers to his sauce as ‘Polynesian sauce’ in the last East Bound and Down? If Kenny Powers says it’s so, the you CAN TAKE THAT TO THE FUCKING BANK.

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