Down With Fast Food Draft! Round 2

By: E · February 27, 2009

Onward with Round 2 of Fast Food Restaurants we want to banish forever.

E) Hardees/Carl’s Jr.
The #4 fast food chain in the nation behind McD’s, BK, and Wendy’s, you want to talk about the obesity problem in America? Maybe try eliminating the restaurant that puts 8 strips of bacon and gravy on every sandwich? It’s a place that had to have an advertising campaign apologizing in a knowing way, that the food admittedly “used to be pretty awful,” but no, check out this new MONSTER THICKBURGER, that has 1,410 calories and 2740 mg of sodium and 107 grams of fat and i think a baby’s heart.

When you walk into Hardees, you feel fatter immediately. It’s like a temple of shame. You should all be fucking ashamed of yourselves. ALL OF YOU.

Plus, we all know that one day, Carl’s Jr. will own everything. Mike Judge’s Idiocracy told us that. Reason enough to stop them from becoming the next Skynet.

SN) I would probably pick Hardee’s too…if I were some sort of tree-hugging giant pussy. Oh no, I hope my delicious burger doens’t have any fat in it! I’d better go get a soy burger instead and hang out with like-minded people who listen to whiny music about how we’re a bunch of pussies.

Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.

E) Carl’s Jr. – Fuck you, I’m eating.

SN) Hardee’s — I’m hoooooongry.

LD) Two things:

1) The Monster Thickburger is everything I love about America.

2) I am required to say that, as my child is now the property of Carl’s Jr.


LD) Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers – I’ve seen the CEO on TV. His wife is hot and he seems like a nice guy.  I’ve never eaten at the restaurant.  But, you have ONE MENU ITEM.  Any other restaurant should be able to crush you.  Go away.

E) wait, hold on. It’s just..chicken fingers?

LD) Yup…google it

E) I mean I do love chicken fingers. Not gonna lie.

LD) Oh, I would happily eat at this place, given the chance.  I’m just saying that, in evolutionary terms, this is like having lungs when all the competition has lungs, eyes, ears, claws, a digestive system, etc.  It’s a philosophical opposition to something that seems pretty stupid.

E) It’s like a fast food restaurant advertising the fact that it serves soda.

LD) Exactly: we have fries here!!!


N8) [remember, this is TORNADO TAG TEAM STYLE!] If this restaurant is actually surviving in this economy, doesn’t that mean these chicken fingers must be pretty damn good?  I’m not playing, but it seems like if this place sucks, it would die its own natural death pretty quickly.  Why waste a pick to kill it when you could topple somethinghorrifically bad, like Burger King?

E) Good sir, Burger King is vastly underrated, even if those whoppers are basically like eating a glob of lard. NEW FRIES! DELICIOUS!

LD hates the old timey-ness of staying true to the one good product you make. He hates old timey things. One time he punched a guy in a bowler hat on sheer principle.

JC) How is Burger King bad?  By its flame broiled burgers?  By its onion rings and alternative fries?  By the burger shots?!?! Burger Shots dammit.  Even the cini-minis are great.  I say the nay to your assessment of Burger King.

I pick Jack-in-the-box [Ed note: I guess this is a pick??]  The only thing shittier than the commercials is my toilet after getting yet another E-Coli infection.

E) Again, I’d like to stress, burger king fries are the muthafuckin’ bomb.

N8) Yes, the new fries are delicious (though still sub-McDonald’s fries).  And the chicken nuggets aren’t awful (though still below the classic McNuggets for nostalgia or the Chicken Selects for taste).  The thing about Burger King is that there is a better version of LITERALLY EVERY MENU ITEM at another fast food chain.

E) He’s right, actually. That chicken sandwich at BK is atrocious, and yet I still order it every fucking time.

JC) I’d rather have a double cheese burger from BK than a Wendy’s Double or a McDonald’s Double Cheese Burger.  I find it to be the best of the big three.

E) I’d rather have a wendy’s double. So fuck you.

JC) Well I guess you have some sort of taste retardation…like a lizard….FROM THAILAND. [ed note – ?]

Also I pretty sure people who get only chicken from fast food places are sort form of homosexual.  That’s why Chik-Fil-A should be tossed.

Banks) I don’t know what to say to anyone who prefers McDonald’s fries to Burger King fries.  It’s like preferring castration to a blow job.  Which I guess makes sense, since if you prefer McDonald’s fries you don’t deserve to have a penis anyway.

SN) Where the fuck are all you people coming from? I demand order.

E) God, I’m so hungry right now after all this talk. Someone bring me some chicken fingers!


SN) White Castle. Fuck White Castle. Have you ever eaten there? The whole next day, you smell like White Castle. Which isn’t a good thing. And if the smell sucks, then you probably shouldn’t be going there in the first place. “Hey, let’s go to White Castle and get some sliders!” “Yeah, getting food named after the disgusting thing it does to your gastrointestinal system sounds like a great idea!” If you’re going to White Castle, you better not plan on being around any women for at least 24 hours. Which is perhaps why LD is such a huge fan of it.

E) Fact: I have eaten at white castle once in my life. It was the last time. FUCK WHITE CASTLE.

SN) Me too.

LD) I remember the morning after you ate it, because I came to visit. That was ugly.

Again, appropriate place to end the round…..

All the most disgusting pics come from This Is Why You’re Fat

Filed under: All,Drafts


3 Responses to “Down With Fast Food Draft! Round 2”
  1. SN says:

    How is someone supposed to eat that sandwich? There would be egg yolk everywhere. It would be messier than a Jasmine St. Claire movie.

    By the way, Raising Cane’s also offers a chicken sandwich…so fuck you, LD.

  2. E says:

    No joke, that sandwich picture nauseates me.

  3. m says:

    You’re a bastard. Raising Cane’s is glorious!

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