Down with Fast Food Draft! – Round 3, Part 1

By: LD · March 3, 2009

SN) This draft has been fun. This round goes me, LD, E. Anyone else want to get in before we start? I’ll let E handle the mess that was round 2, what with people jumping in at the 11th hour. Speak up now or forever hold your peace for round 3.

Banks) I didn’t think anybody jumped in.  N8 and I just chimed in to rag on the picks, which I thought was half the point.

LD) I dig that too, keep it up.

SN) Word. I thought you might like to get in this round though.

Banks) I’m down, so long as my pick isn’t required until after 1:30.

E) Holy shit, just start the round already. Everyone jump in when ever, we’ll count it, unless it’s the SAME PICK AS SOMEONE ELSE’S EARLIER AND OFFICIALLY IN THE ROUND, in that case, that person’s pick gets to be the official pick.

LD) I propose we establish a draft structure committee to form a preliminary set of guidelines by which we will set out the process for establishing the rules of the draft.  Mostly because I want E to off himself.

E) Said committee will be formed by a vote of 2/3 majority, but only after a 3/4 quorum is present.

LD) Unless a referendum is put before our readers who support the formation of said committee.  The vote will be held on the 3rd sunday following the vernal equinox.

E) I hereby filibuster this request to establish the rules of the referendum by reading from A Tale of Two Cities

…it was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

SN) “It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times? You stupid monkey!”

Note the awesome ad for Bacon Cheeseburger

Note the awesome ad for "Bacon Cheeseburger"

PICK:

SN) Roy Rogers. Seriously, we already have Arby’s.  Mmmmm…Arby’s…horsey sauce….Big Montana…Big Beef’N’Cheddar…  But Roy Rogers? Who the hell goes there? Not me, sir, not me. I know where I’m getting my roast beef sandwiches, and it ain’t there. And if I were going to name a restaurant after a famous cowboy actor, it would definitely be after Clint Eastwood. Therefore, I see no problem shutting the establishment down and putting thousands out of business.

SN) “It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times? You stupid monkey!”

LD) Roy Rogers is a great pick.  It’s tough to recall the obscure and shitty fast food chains.  I would banish Arby’s if it meant that I could get Rax back.  GOD I WANT A BIG MONTANA NAO.

SN) Nobody stax up to Rax.

E) I just want to say if anyone picks Arby’s, I will come to your house and murder you until you’re dead.

Make that FOUR Ingredients

Make that FOUR Ingredients

PICK:

LD) Taco Bell!  I’m not going to lie, I love many Taco Bell products, but the key to eating at that restaurant is to GET THE CHICKEN.  I don’t know what that chunky brown liquid is that they call beef, but my best guess is that it’s what was once called “Lil’ Lisa’s Slurry”.  The important part is recognizing that it is not food.

I think The Onion summed up Taco Bell in one headline:

TACO BELL’S FIVE INGREDIENTS COMBINED IN TOTALLY NEW WAY

Banks) It’s worth noting that I’ve never seen a free-standing Roy Rogers in all my years of motor travel in this great nation of ours.  I’ve only ever seen them as part of service centers in the more rural tendrils of our highway system.  Which is Roy Rogers basically saying, “Look, we know it sucks too, so we’re only going to sell to you where you have no other options.”

SN) What see we invade a Roy Rogers (there’s only like 50 of them left) all dressed up as Native Americans with bow and arrows and shit?

LD) Is this the beginning of secession or something?  Because, if so, I’m in.

E) Fact: I have never eaten at a roy rogers.

SN) I would miss some items at Taco Bell — chicken ones, that is. Yes, never get the beef. And those commercials where douchebags bring their own triple steak burritos to a steakhouse are just offensive. For one, because Taco Bell meat sucks. And two, they’re drinking coke with steak. Get some cabernet you no-class-having muthafuckas!!!

LD) Also, seriously, preferring a $1.99 steak burrito to a $30 filet because you get MORE steak?  The law of diminishing returns suggests that we should want as little steak as possible for $1.99.  Otherwise, we run the risk of getting as much tapeworm as possible.

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PICK:
E) KFC – why? Because Popeye’s, that’s why. And also, those KFC bowls, I know it’s a Patton Oswalt bit, but really, fuck you mashed potato chicken chunk gravy bowl. That’s just shameful.

Plus, I don’t even LIKE their chicken. The drumsticks are too greasy and the breasts are too dry. POPEYE’S SON. CHURCH’S SON. YOU’RE JUST OBSOLETE, COLONEL SANDERS.   But seriously, has anyone actually HAD KFC lately? It’s not good chicken. not even in that “this is terrible food but awesome” way that at least taco bell was.

LD) KFC does not go in my body.  I am not a health nut, but there are lines.  My rule against KFC is my Maginot Line, except it works.

SN) It fucking pales to Popeye’s, that’s for sure.

Banks) Re: Taco Bell, it may be the most insidious of the fast food products.  Like everyone else, Taco Bell food very rarely goes through me quietly.  I have never once lost sight of this fact, and yet I continue to eat it.  Because it never disappoints for what it is.  You never get soggy fries.  You never get a cold bun.  And I find on the whole that Taco Bell service is pretty fast (probably because there’s only five ingredients).  I can see why people hate on it, but at the same time, I just don’t know how to quit it.
LD) Agreed.  Taco Bell is like a crazy ex.
SN) We’re way too agreeable this round. I’d just like to point out that though I share the same views on Taco Bell and KFC, I hate you all with the strength of a thousand burning suns.
LD) You know what I would eat from KFC?  An all breaded-skin meal.
Against the odds, this is actually Famine, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Against the odds, this is actually Famine, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

PICK:
Banks) Long John Silver’s.  To me this place (I refuse to call it a restaurant) is like Sandra Bernhard.  I don’t know why it exists and I don’t know why anyone ever in human history saw the appeal.  I don’t know anyone who’s ever professed to like it, and I have never, ever, heard anyone say, “Hey, I’m going over to Long John Silver’s for lunch.  You want anything?”  (That fact becomes more meaningful when you realize that I *have* heard someone say, “As soon as I shove this hot poker in my ass I’m going to chop my dick off!”)  Basically, just about every fast food restaurant, no matter how shitty, has some laurel to rest on.  McDonalds has McNuggets.  BK has fries.  Taco Bell keeps local immigrants from loitering on your front yard.  But Long John Silver’s has nothing, NOTHING that makes it worthwhile.  The menu consists of one word:  “Fried.”  You can have the large or the small fried.  But they’re each the same price.

SN) Long John Silver’s has fucking hush puppies that are the shit. No, I haven’t been there in years, but maybe I’d like to go again sometime.

E) Wait, does that mean Captain D’s is gone too? B/c I love Captain D’s. MOstly for the hush puppies.

LD) I haven’t been since I was a child, but I LOVED it.  I could never tell whether I liked the chicken or the fish, though, which says a lot about what you’re getting from that joint.

What is Captain D’s?  I feel like I’m walking into a “Deez Nutz” joke…
JC) What the fuck is Captain D’s?  Is that some Ohio Valley glory hole joint with fried fish up front?
E) I think it’s pretty much the southern equivalent of long john’s silver.  AND I love that both those names have dick jokes in them.
Banks) Captain D’s has a pretty bangin’ breakfast spread with great biscuits and gravy, I will say that.  Of course it’s a seafood place, so there’s that.  We used to go on our drive back from Opryland when I was a kid.

Don’t forget the west coast equivalent, SHOVEMYCOCKINYOURMOUTH N’ CHIPS

What IS this place?

What IS this place?

PICK?:

JC) I feel that Krystal, only b/c I grew up with White Castle, is a low rent version of White Castle and thus should be eliminated from the face of the earth.  I have no other evidence to back up my argument.

SN) Catfish for breakfast is the bomb. What’s up, Cracker Barrel.

E) Man, FUCK cracker barrel.

JC) Woman, Fuck You

LD) Although, really, if you’re looking to find a restaurant full of crackers, that’s where you start.

SN) Fuck Cracker Barrel? Fuck you! I don’t give a shit about the other clientele, but if you’re severely hungover and need some greasy-ass food to calm your stomach, Cracker Barrel is the place to go.

E) Also, if you need various flavors of hard candy or a rocking chair.

LD) I believe they also rent books on tape.  Which is like playing chess using the rules for checkers.

Banks) Cracker Barrel should be taken out of this discussion altogether since there’s no way any place that makes you wait two hours or more should be considered fast food.  The upside is, if you go enough you can become a world champion checkers player.

E) or one of those puzzle games where you try to figure out how to unlock the metal hoops. It’s like a playground for autistic children.
SN) In any event, fuck you for picking Long John Silver’s and thus attempting to deprive us all of getting some mercury in our diets.
Banks) One of the great triumphs of my life was actually finishing the peg puzzle by the time my Uncle Grandpa’s Chicken Fried Country Benedict Sausage had arrived.

SN) Have we blown our fast food wad?

LD) I hope not, ‘cuz fuck Sbarro.

The joke is on you...its all Bourbon Chicken

The joke is on you...it's all Bourbon Chicken

PICK:

E) ANY CHINESE RESTAURANT AT A MALL FOOD COURT.

This is ironic, b/c they seriously try to give you as much food as possible, most of it being meat. Big chunks of teriyaki chicken or fried chicken or whatever. In most instances, this would be awesome, but the problem is that it all tastes the same, salty, bland, mildly nauseating food that somehow, when you walk by, it kind of makes you want to eat it. On top of that, being that you’re basically eating a plate of salt, they give you your drink in a medium styrofoam cup that’s filled over the top with ice, effectively giving you two good sips of soda or water.

Oh, and fuck your duck sauce.

SN) Is duck sauce different from Polynesian sauce? How could you hate on Panda Express? Their food all tastes the same? I’ll bet all Asians look alike to you, don’t they, E? I don’t see people outside of Subway giving away free samples to lure you in.

E) Duck sauce is not polynesian sauce. Get your shit straight.
THIS HONKEE GRANDMA BE TRIPPIN’!!!!

SN) Who dat ninja?

I kind of want to put this into a KFC Famous Bowl

I kind of want to put this into a KFC Famous Bowl

PICK:

LD) Sbarro.  This will be hilariously hypocritical of me, but when you do one thing and do it well, you stick to it.  Sbarro makes the pizza equivalent of a Steven Seagal movie: it’s awful, but every once in a while, you can really enjoy it.  But, why do they have all this other garbage food?  Has ANYONE ever ordered chicken alfredo from Sbarro?  Lasagna?  The answer is that we’ll never know, because you wouldn’t survive the experience.  Everything that restaurant does other than serve pizza annoys me.  Plus, the pizza is like 5 bucks a slice.

SN) What, in your infinite wisdom, would you suggest to be the right number of menu items? Please let us all know, I’m sure the fast food industry is eagerly awaiting your answer as well.

LD) 5.

Banks) At least Sbarro isn’t riding any trends.  They’ve sold horrifically awful non-pizza items as long as I can remember.  That’s the kind of ignorant, quality-blind stick-to-it-iveness our economy needs, Sbarro!

E) Plus, it’s fun to say. SBARRO! I’ve sadly had the chicken something there. And I’ve sadly…kinda enjoyed it. BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO. FUCK YOU SBARRO!

I hate their pizza.

JC) Sbarro and any buffet style Italian joint are insults to cuisine.  And this comes from someone who is dead set on getting white castle for lunch.

LD) The best thing about Sbarro is that they have their own line of bottled juice-esque drinks that still look like they came from the 80’s.  They might just look like that because they remain unsold.

Banks) How can you HATE Sbarro?  It’s like hating beige.

LD) That’s just it!  I have no time for mediocrity!  Mediocrity erodes the soul, fooling us into accepting less than we deserve.  By eliminating the mediocre, we can clearly delineate between the awesome (Arby’s) and the shit (All other fast food).  Mankind’s progress will only be hastened by the destruction of the median.

SN) You can get gonorrhea from Sbarro’s pizza. Or at least that’s what I told my ex-girlfriend.

LD) That still didn’t explain how she ended up being host to Kuato.

JC) SN.  SN.  Start the reactor.  Free Mars…  And why does it burn down there?

N8) Shit, I’ve got five kids to feed.

END ROUND THREE, PART ONE.  Tomorrow: Insanity.

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Comments

3 Responses to “Down with Fast Food Draft! – Round 3, Part 1”
  1. SN says:

    This is awesome.

  2. e-roc says:

    Sbarro is the giver of gonorrhea that keeps on giving. ARBY’S 4 LIFE!

    +1 for the demolition of Subway and their STUPID FUCKING JINGLE. FIVE DOLLAR FOOTLONGGGGGG.

    SN once ate six in a row… six in a row….

  3. SN says:

    hahaha…bite me

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