Down With Fast Food Draft! Round 4

By: LD · March 4, 2009

and we continue:



SN) According to Wikipedia it qualifies as a fast food restaurant, so that’s good enough for me…Big Boy. Has anyone actually ever eaten there? Are they really open, or do they just put up a plastic statue of a fat kid that people like to vandalize? That may be their only contribution to society — an outlet for trouble-making teens to take out their frustrations upon. Seriously, this giant fat kid with no sense of style is supposed to lure me into your restaurant? I think not. I would kick him it the nuts if it didn’t hurt my foot to do so.

LD) I wonder if red-and-white tablecloth check overalls were ever stylish.  Someone that fat should really opt for vertical stripes, anyways.

Banks) I was all set to ruin your self-esteem by making a mother-related joke about about fast food pick here, but honestly, I don’t get the Big Boy thing either.  What’s creepiest about it is the fact that it doesn’t have one name.  There’s a Shoney’s Big Boy, a Bob’s Big Boy, etc.  Are they even part of the same corporate entity?  It’s hard enough wondering where the hands have been that touched my sausage patties, but I wouldn’t even know whom to sue if I got sick.  What are you being so evasive about, Big Boy?

E) Holy shit, Shoney’s! That shit was closed every other week due to health code violations where I grew up.
LD) I believe that Shoney’s was successful due to the fact that it sold tiny, delicious pecan pies to travelers.  I read this in some book when I was in junior high, and thankfully, my brain has elected to hold onto that fact.  Because remembering ANYTHING I LEARNED IN COLLEGE would clearly be less beneficial.
N8) Y and I went to school with the owners of Shoney’s.  The movie Hard Target was based on their favorite pasttime of hunting the homeless with high-powered rifles.
Banks) According to Wikipedia, Big Boy has TWENTY-THREE different franchise names.  You know what I call those, Big Boy?  Aliases.  Who have you molested, Big Boy?
E) Does Big Boy own Friendly’s or Eat N’ Park? Does Eat N’ Park even still exist?
Banks) Friendly’s, no.  Eat N’ Park, not since 1976.
LD) I swear on all that’s holy that I will one day open up an Adolfo ‘Shabba-Doo’ Quinones’ Big Boy
SN) And Boogaloo Shrimp would dance in front of it, with a broom that defies the laws of physics.
This city is afraid of me.  I have seen its true face.

This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face.

Eat N’Park is alive and well…dick.  Steak N’Shake, on the other hand, can suck it.
JC) I love the idea of Steak n Shake, I hate the execution.
Banks) Not only did I get the Adolfo ‘Shabba-Doo’ Quinones reference, but if I had to I could pick Mr. Quinones out of a lineup among similarly dressed amateur breakdancers.  I also know that Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers’ favorite movie is A Passage to India.
SN) But did you know that Jean-Claude Van Damne made his debut in Breakin’? I ain’t lyin.
Banks) Come on, ________, think logically.  Would I have known Boogaloo Shrimp’s favorite movie and not known that screen legend Jean Claude Van Damme first appeared dancing in a onesie at a beach parking lot dance-off?
Banks) Whoops, sorry, I meant to say SN, not __________.
Banks) What LD said.
Whoops, sorry, I mean to say StupidJerkHerpesFace, not LD.
SN) Name your top three Van Damme movies in the next three minutes…starting….NOW


LD) Double Team

Street Fighter

Knock Off
The only three JCVD movies I’ve seen in their entirety?  No, because I saw that one that takes place in Pittsburgh.  But, other than that, yeah.
This image brought to you by awesome airbrushed t-shirts.

This image brought to you by awesome airbrushed t-shirts.

Banks) Bloodsport
No Retreat, No Surrender
Hard Target
LD) If your list doesn’t contain Double Team, I don’t even know what to say to you.
E) I was going to say

Double Team
Double Team
Double Team

SN) The correct answer:


Tempted to take Double Team, but just couldn’t do it, because I only
like it in the sense that it’s an awful movie

Banks) Please.  If my list had a 4 and a 5, they’d be Double Impact and Kickboxer.  Double Team was made at a time when Van Damme was out of his mind on blow.  I don’t know about you guys, but I say NO to drugs.

LD) That would go a long way towards explaining the basketball-shaped parachute that he and Rodman used to jump out of a plane.

SN) Mickey Rourke. Tigers. Land mines. Dennis Rodman. Dane Cook. ‘Nuff said.

Whoops, Dane Cook isn’t in Double Team, I was thinking of that other Dennis Rodman gem, Simon Sez. I still hate him though.

Ones a veteran, just days from retirement.  Ones a rookie who doesnt play by the rules.  Together, they just might be able to make things right.

One's a veteran, just days from retirement. One's a rookie who doesn't play by the rules. Together, they just might be able to make things right.

N8) I’m too late for this:

Double Impact (“Twice the Van Dammage”)
Hard Target

Banks) I’m not sure if we’re still picking here, but:

Banks) Pizza Hut – Rather than some snarky joke, I’ll simply tell a true story.  A few years ago, my now-wife and I were finally making the formal move-in together.  I’d moved all my stuff into her apartment, and so the move was going to consist of two apartments full of stuff.  The night before the move I was really hungry, only I didn’t have any of my own food in the house.  I decided to walk down the street to get some hot wings from Pizza Hut.  Around 2 am, I woke to the force of six thousand Incan warriors with spears trying to escape my bowels.  Soon enough they were trying other bodily exits.  When the time came for moving the next morning, I was basically useless.  I didn’t have any energy because I couldn’t hold anything down, and I couldn’t get more than 5 minutes away from the bathroom at any one time.  I basically had to stand there all day and watch my wife, future sister in law, and a couple other friends move my stuff for me.  So not only was it painful, it was downright humiliating.  Pizza Hut’s food poisoning made me less than a man, and for that I will forever curse its name.  I have not even touched a Pizza Hut product since.
In the 90s, airbrushed singlets with a picture of a morningstar that is ALSO a yin-yang were all the rage.

In the 90s, airbrushed singlets with a picture of a morningstar that is ALSO a yin-yang were all the rage.

SN) Quick-fire challenge: Who would win in a fight, Jean Claude Van Damne,
or former professional wrestler Rob Van Dam?
LD) Isn’t Rob Van Dam completely drugged out?  I think that gives JCVD the advantage.
JC) RVD, who looks like JCVD and real name is RVD.
SN) Let’s assume they’re both drugged up.
JC) He’s on weed.  No roids, no pain pills and semi-retired so he’s in great health/shape.  JCVD is a pussy.
SN) RVD would totally hit JCVD in the face with a chair, then crush his soul with a five-star frog splash. JCVD would be all like, no waaaaaaay!, I was in street fighter, you can’t do this to me, then awaken months later on some bizarre island of people who everyone else thinks is dead but who spend their time recreating plane crashes and shit. God Double Team makes so much sense.
E) Holy shit, what the fuck are we even talking about anymore.
LD) How the real world is really Double Team.  Which starred Mickey Rourke!
SN) Oh yeah, and yeah, Pizza Hut pretty much sucks. Where I live, a guy fell asleep and drove his truck through it. Best thing that ever happened to it, if you ask me.

[And the site’s authors just kind of slowly wandered away at this point, never to be heard from again…]



3 Responses to “Down With Fast Food Draft! Round 4”
  1. E says:

    oh my god, this round is complete insanity.

  2. SN says:

    I expect we will receive a Webby for this.

  3. e-roc says:

    As an unofficial judge from the Webby Awards, I present to you a Webby for the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point, in your rambling, incoherent response, were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone is now dumber for having read it.


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