I do not negotiate with terrorists

By: SN · March 10, 2009
Alex: Fuck you!!

Alex: Fuck you!!

 

Holy shit, no joke — I am not to be fucked with. The latest exhibit comes from a little locale named River City. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Perhaps you’ve heard of the tale of the guy that beat the shit out of an entire city to get back his girlfriend, who had been taken hostage? Yeah, well, that was me.

That’s right, I downloaded River City Ransom for the Virtual Console on the Wii. I’d never played it during its original run for the Nintendo Entertainment System. You’d never have been able to tell that, though, had you witnessed the fucking beating I put on every single member of every single gang in that god-forsaken town.

I started out getting a ransom letter from “Slick.” Yes, he threatened me with his gangs of students and evil bosses, but did I give a fuck? No, sure didn’t. He told me to “meet his demands…or else.” Well, I never really found out what that list of demands consisted of, but I hope it included me beating the ever-loving shit out of Slick, because that’s what fucking happened.

Was it reckless on my part, considering that I had to pick apart like 8 gangs to even get to Slick, and he had my girlfriend hostage? Well, I guess you could say that. But I wouldn’t say that to my fucking face, unless you’re somehow tougher than all of River City combined, asshole.

What’s the moral of the story? Well, if you’re a terrorist, you better know what the fuck you’re doing, because if you fuck with the wrong mother fucker, you’re gonna get fucked with. Yes, I think that’s pretty much it.

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