Fast Food Draft Round 5

By: SN · March 17, 2009

No. 5: Always the Best!

No. 5: Always the Best!

E: Final Round: the specific fast food meal you want to eat THE LEAST.

Feel free to mix entree/burger, sides, and dessert. But you have to name at least one of each.

SN: That will require some thought. I also always enjoy tangents about Jean Claude Van Damne.

E: So here we go. Pick the:

1) main entree/burger/sandwich/bowl
2) side dish
3) dessert-ish thing

that you LEAST WANT TO EAT, but through some sick brand of torture, are forced to eat in one sitting from only shitty fast food and fast food quality establishments.

I throw it open to the wolves.

SN: this dessert selection is killing me

LD: That was the ONLY one that was easy for me.

E: This round challenges your intellect. Both in the good way, and in the bad way.

SN: You know what else challenges your intellect? Sudoku. If you get too far in and realize you’ve made an error, you’re fucked.

LD: I still don’t know how to do sudoku.  You have to make numbers add up to something, right?  Sounds pretty easy to me.

SN: Wrong, jerkface.

E: Fuck Sudoku. Oh wow, here’s numbers, put them in boxes. Who fucking wants to do math for fun.

LD: Seriously.  Why not just play tic tac toe instead?  There’s a game that challenges the intellect.

SN: No doubt…tic tac toe is fucking legit

LD: I like the fact that when you have two people playing who don’t have to wear a helmet for their own good, every game ends in a tie.

(A solid hour after the draft was determined…)

LD: Main Entree: Long John Silver’s Lobster Bites

Side Dish: A&W Fried Cheese Curds

Dessert: McDonald’s Chocolate Chip Cookies

Main Entree: I was tempted to take a fish sandwich.  The first principle of cooking fish is that it’s generally a delicate meat.  Ordering fish at a good restaurant can be a tricky proposition.  Buying a slab of some random whitefish that costs $1.49 makes me want to retch.  Then you throw it in a deep fat fryer to completely destroy the actual fish content of the sandwich, replacing it with breading and oil.  NO.  WILL NOT EAT.  It would only be worse if someone took something equally as mild but more expensive and somehow managed to fry it MORE.  I can just imagine the executives at LJS sitting around and thinking “Boy, you know, most of our items aren’t very heavily fried in terms of volume.  What kind of meat could we squish into balls and fry to remedy that?”  Ta-Da!  Lobster Bites.  Fuck me.
Remember how I was talking about wanting as little steak as possible for $1.99?  Guess what’s more expensive than steak?

Side Dish: I don’t want to know, actually.  I was just looking at menus, that popped up on A&W’s front page, and I realized I was done.  The word fried means “fat”.  The word cheese means “fat”.  So, we essentially have Fat Fat Curds.  Nummy.

Dessert: It’s tough to beat the absolute crappiness of Burger King’s temptingly-named but assawful Hershey Pie.  But, then I remembered these atrocities from my youth.  They really had it all…they were incredibly tiny and hard, which made each individual bite as unsatisfying as possible. The “chocolate” was basically a myth.  I do think that if you worked hard you could taste trace amounts of a chocolate-like substance, but that’s about it.  You would only get these if EVERY OTHER DESSERT was sold out.  I hated cherries, and I would gladly have eaten a cherry pie rather than these cookies.

Now I want a frosty.

E: jesus, fried cheese curds? You should just cut open your chest and shove them directly into your heart.

SN: Alright, I go…

Main entree: Taco Bell 1/2 Lb. Beef Combo Burrito
Side: KFC green beans
Dessert: Long John Silver’s Pineapple Cream Cheese Pie

We previously covered how Taco Bell’s “beef” is actually overflowing septage, so the choice for me was really what TB product incorporates the most shitty beef and other terrible products. I assume the “beef combo” label refers to the fact that there may be trace amounts of beef in the “combo,” but it mostly consists of human feces. This tempting burrito also features loads of fucking salmonella-laced beans and onions. Mmmm…delightful.

If I’m going to KFC (and I’m not, because Popeye’s makes Col. Sanders its bitch), I sure as shit am not going to get a vegetable that’s only tasty when it’s fresh and cooked properly. I like green beans when I steam them for like 5 minutes…but when they’re cooked by a retarded 17-year-old mother of 8, then sit in a steam tray for weeks, that
sounds awful. I don’t like vegetables to have the consistency of Play-Doh.

For desert, let me say that I would never get dessert at Long John Silver’s. Additionally, pineapple and cream cheese pie sounds gross. So, from Long John Silver’s, it just makes me want to retch.

SN: What if Grimace came on your box of cookies? Would that change your mind at all?

Did you know that Grimace, a fat purple slob, was developed in response to complaints about McDonaldland being devoid of minorities? Brilliant.

LD: (1) I am so annoyed that i didn’t realize that there WAS a Pineapple Cream Cheese Pie.  That would have been a great pick, because traditionally, that’s called a CHEESECAKE.  I wonder what’s different about this that requires the name change?
(2) That’s really how Grimace came about?  In a world with a clown, a white guy whose actual profession is “Hamburger Thief”, a mayor that’s actually an anthropomorphic cheeseburger, and twins are nothing more than a living mass of frys, we’re worried about minorities?  Do I even need to point out that the coolest guy in McDonaldland is THE MOON?  He drives a cool sports car and all, but I think it would be hard to pick up girls when you’ve caused an extinction-level-event by coming to the Earth’s surface and creating thousands of massive tsunamis.

E: Holy shit, the Moon. I totally forgot about that gangsta. Did we all think the Hamburglar was cool as shit growing up? Or am I just a sociopath.

LD: As a kid, I wondered why he couldn’t speak. As an adult, I think he’s an excellent philosophical question on the moral justification for crimes.  For instance “Is it wrong for a man to steal a loaf of bread so that his family may eat?”

I think that most of us agree that the answer is either “No.” or “Yes, steal something better and more nutritious next time, moron.”

But, if your entire career is predicated on being The Hamburglar, it seems incredibly unlikely that you could ever become rich.  In the first place, he only steals cooked hamburgers, which don’t really exist in bulk.  I suppose
he could stockpile on major barbecuing holidays, but even then, it’s a highly perishable object.  We c an also assume that he doesn’t sell them for any significant profit.  In the first place, it’s a robust market for an essentially commodified object.  Though his costs are low, his ability to produce (read as: steal) hamburgers is not sufficient to allow him significant profits.  Perhaps more importantly, since his name is The Hamburglar, it would be difficult for him to obtain a loan necessary to establishing a place of business for fencing his hamburgers.  Also, I would
not eat a hamburger that I bought from a man called The Hamburglar.  For one, I would be wary of whether it was properly prepared and maintained. A further concern is that, as I know he is The Hamburglar, he would probably steal it back from me after I made the purchase.

Where am I going with all this?  Well, assuming that the Hamburglar is not capable of leveraging his ham-burgling into a workable business, we must assume that he essentially exists at a subsistence level.  More likely than not, he is homeless, living from burger to burger.  In fact, his burger-acquisition ability is probably significantly hampered by his choice to wear a prison uniform at all time.  It clearly identifies him as exactly the type of person who would be likely to steal a hamburger.  So, if his theft of hamburgers is only successful  in providing him with food sufficient to prevent starvation, is it just for McDonaldland to keep locking him up?  I would argue no. Whether they need to look into proper social welfare programs (which may feed him, thus preventing such theft), mental health institutions (his choice of prison attire suggests severe personality problems), or simply a lenient criminal justice system when
concerning such de minimis offenses, McDonaldland has a deep, ugly problem that needs fixing.

Don’t even get me started on Wimpy from Popeye and the hamburger welfare state.

SN: I liked it when Homer beat the shit out of the Krustyburglar after seeing him trying to steal Krustyburgers. Now that was high comedy.

The next day…

SN: People I would least like to have the aforementioned meal with:
John Wayne Gacy
The guy who dressed up as a clown and took the ‘John 3:16′ sign to
sporting events, then later took someone hostage
A suicide bomber
E

A day later…

E: I am going to blow all of your mindholes with these picks. B/c I realize that I fucking love most fast food in a disgusting, disgusting way, so it’s only single elements that I hate.

Entree: Big Mac. I hate the sauce. I fucking hate it. I don’t know what it is, I don’t care, the “special”ness of it doesn’t mean shit to me. It is disgusting. A close second is anything with the disgusting globs of sour cream they put on everything at taco bell when you order it with sour cream, b/c I hate sour cream.

Side Dish: Cole slaw from anywhere. If you go to Long John’s Silvers or KFC, you can get cole slaw as a side. Which when you really think about it, what a fucking stupid side dish. Can you throw some diced cabbage and shit into a
pot of mayonaise and stir? Yum! Also, a Wendy’s baked potato is stupid in principle. I mean, you’re paying someone to literally throw a potato in the microwave you asshole. You’re at wendy’s order something fried like it’s your god given duty to do.

Dessert: I personally like the hershey’s pie. But I will say this, and it is an unpopular choice. Shamrock shake from McD’s. In fact, any seasonal shake from McD’s. This includes the pumpkin shake, the eggnog shake, um gross. Plus it’s green. If you’re at mcd’s ordering seasonal shakes, you have the gumption to walk over to a baskin robbins and get the 2800 calorie oreo shake and die the death you deserve.

LD: HOLY SHIT I LOVE SHAMROCK SHAKES I NEED ONE I AM CURRENTLY CHECKING TO SEE IF THEY ARE ON THE MENU.

E: I will admit to the audience, I actuually couldn’t think of a single dessert i hate. And under threat by the other bloggers, they said if I didn’t make my picks SN would get to decide my picks for me. Which I didn’t want to be done.
I don’t really have that much against a shamrock shake. But seriously, fuck Big Macs.

SN: Hells yeah, are they in season yet? Hey, fuck you E! This country was built on Shamrock Shake principles.

E: fuck eggnog shakes. In fact, fuck McD’s shakes. They fucking suck. Someone bring me a fucking frosty.

LD: I love that the Shamrock Shake’s mascot was Uncle O’Grimacey.  That stupid Mick.

SN: I have a feeling the Frosty will turn up on a list of good menu items in the future

Who do you hate more – Grimace or the Hamburglar?

E: fry guys

LD: Czechs.

SN: wow…great answers. seriously, i used to love killing the shit out of fry guys (confused with shy guys)

E: those fry guys, seriously, fucking annoying as shit.

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Comments

2 Responses to “Fast Food Draft Round 5”
  1. SN says:

    I love that there are ads for Long John Silver’s on the side. Hahahha…we have nothing but hate for you, LBJ’s, yet we are making valuable cents off of you! Boo-yeah!

  2. e-roc says:

    I forgot how much Grimace and the Fry Guys sucked until you posted a photo of him. Thanks for the trip down memory lane…

    …and I will be getting a Shamrock Shake tonight or tomorrow…!

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