On the one hand, 40YOV follows Andy, the (duh) 40 year old virgin whose lack of sexual history leads him on a mission to slay this sexual dragon in his life, only leading to find love and acceptance in a woman who loves him, despite the fact that he lacks the sexual history that most people have by the time they reach, well, 20. On the other hand, Chasing Amy follows the story of Holden, a typical 20-something, falling in love and falling hard for Alyssa, a lesbian, who in the end loves him back. But because of her questionable sexual history with other men (specifically, two men at the same time), Holden can’t accept her, and their love crumbles. But both movies manage to use the actual act of sex between the two romantic leads as very much an act of love and acceptance amidst the landscape of promiscuity and meaningless hookups that both movies immerse themselves in. While in Virgin, Andy’s co-workers encourage, and engage in meaningless sexual activity with “drunk bitches,” Amy follows the story of the more open and perhaps myopic view (by Smith, at least) of the free wheeling NY gay scene of the late 1990’s, where physicality went hand in hand with being a member of the movement. Yet when Holden and Alyssa finally do sleep together, it’s an act of acceptance of both their mutual love, and also Alyssa’ s realization that she, as a lesbian, loves Holden not because he’s a man, but because he’s Holden. The same obvious notion happens in Virgin when Andy and Trish finally do have sex at the end of the movie, it’s the act of resolution to Andy’s problem through the means of solving his “problem,” while also confirming the notion that indeed, Trish loves Andy not because of anything regarding his sexual past, but because he’s Andy.

Where they differ stems largely from the perspective of the filmmakers of each of the films. While both may share an affinity for using racy humor and dick jokes to cloak the heart that beats in each of their works, Smith has long been the outspoken, fiery liberal voice, that gays should do whatever they want to, that sexuality isn’t a big deal, and that love can be rosy without being gooey. Apatow, as seen in his later works, is very much someone who cloaks his humor and heart beneath a more tempered message of tolerance, acceptance, and inclusion. Regardless of his thoughts on abortion (a debate he was unfairly placed at the center of when the movie came out), Knocked Up stands for the notion that you work with what you’re given in life, and that there’s something genuine about being there, about being a decent person, and that something real grows from the beginnings that others may never have seen potential in. Smith’s movies (ever since Dante in Clerks) are very much about getting your comeuppance for your very real, human flaws, that to put it simply, things don’t always work out that well even when everything’s laid out on the table.

It’s the concept of honesty where the two films diverge. In Virgin, Andy’s honesty is his release and foundation of his acceptance with Trish, whereas in Amy, Alyssa’s honesty (and later, Holden’s honesty in coming forward with his ridiculously misguided plan to solve it all) is their undoing. Apatow sees honesty as a virtue, Smith sees it as a light that can expose both virtue and flaw, and sometimes you can’t get past the things that the cruel light of day uncovers, or in some cases (as Holden sees), sometimes you realize that you don’t care a bit too late.

In the end, besides both movies being y’know, great (well…Chasing Amy has lost a bit of its lustre, it’s definitely looking dated now, but that’s for another entry), I was struck by how much it managed to balance this very realistic notion that sexuality is not a big deal, while making sex itself a big deal, whether we’re dealing with lesbians with a promiscuous past or a forty year old guy who’s never so much as gotten to third base with a girl in his life. Andy has to learn that sex is not that big a deal (as he’s told, to “stop putting the pussy on a pedestal”), while Alyssa and Holden (and by proxy, Banky) realize “late” in their sexual development that while sleeping around may be one thing, the act of sex, whether it’s sharing someone with another person in a threesome or just realizing that your partner has had a sexual past, is very much a big deal at a time in their lives when sex is kind of commonplace. It’s a sentiment that’s worth considering in day to day life, that sometimes, things are bigger than we think they are, and just b/c something is meaningful and important, it doesn’t have to rule and ruin your life.

And that sometimes, it just takes meeting that right person to either make everything up to that point alright, or ruin everything from this point on out. It’s that thin a line. And finding that line is probably something best left discovered outside of the movies.

No. 5: Always the Best!

E: Final Round: the specific fast food meal you want to eat THE LEAST.

Feel free to mix entree/burger, sides, and dessert. But you have to name at least one of each.

SN: That will require some thought. I also always enjoy tangents about Jean Claude Van Damne.

E: So here we go. Pick the:

1) main entree/burger/sandwich/bowl
2) side dish
3) dessert-ish thing

that you LEAST WANT TO EAT, but through some sick brand of torture, are forced to eat in one sitting from only shitty fast food and fast food quality establishments.

I throw it open to the wolves.

SN: this dessert selection is killing me

LD: That was the ONLY one that was easy for me.

E: This round challenges your intellect. Both in the good way, and in the bad way.

SN: You know what else challenges your intellect? Sudoku. If you get too far in and realize you’ve made an error, you’re fucked.

LD: I still don’t know how to do sudoku.  You have to make numbers add up to something, right?  Sounds pretty easy to me.

SN: Wrong, jerkface.

E: Fuck Sudoku. Oh wow, here’s numbers, put them in boxes. Who fucking wants to do math for fun.

LD: Seriously.  Why not just play tic tac toe instead?  There’s a game that challenges the intellect.

SN: No doubt…tic tac toe is fucking legit

LD: I like the fact that when you have two people playing who don’t have to wear a helmet for their own good, every game ends in a tie.

(A solid hour after the draft was determined…)

LD: Main Entree: Long John Silver’s Lobster Bites

Side Dish: A&W Fried Cheese Curds

Dessert: McDonald’s Chocolate Chip Cookies

Main Entree: I was tempted to take a fish sandwich.  The first principle of cooking fish is that it’s generally a delicate meat.  Ordering fish at a good restaurant can be a tricky proposition.  Buying a slab of some random whitefish that costs $1.49 makes me want to retch.  Then you throw it in a deep fat fryer to completely destroy the actual fish content of the sandwich, replacing it with breading and oil.  NO.  WILL NOT EAT.  It would only be worse if someone took something equally as mild but more expensive and somehow managed to fry it MORE.  I can just imagine the executives at LJS sitting around and thinking “Boy, you know, most of our items aren’t very heavily fried in terms of volume.  What kind of meat could we squish into balls and fry to remedy that?”  Ta-Da!  Lobster Bites.  Fuck me.
Remember how I was talking about wanting as little steak as possible for $1.99?  Guess what’s more expensive than steak?

Side Dish: I don’t want to know, actually.  I was just looking at menus, that popped up on A&W’s front page, and I realized I was done.  The word fried means “fat”.  The word cheese means “fat”.  So, we essentially have Fat Fat Curds.  Nummy.

Dessert: It’s tough to beat the absolute crappiness of Burger King’s temptingly-named but assawful Hershey Pie.  But, then I remembered these atrocities from my youth.  They really had it all…they were incredibly tiny and hard, which made each individual bite as unsatisfying as possible. The “chocolate” was basically a myth.  I do think that if you worked hard you could taste trace amounts of a chocolate-like substance, but that’s about it.  You would only get these if EVERY OTHER DESSERT was sold out.  I hated cherries, and I would gladly have eaten a cherry pie rather than these cookies.

Now I want a frosty.

E: jesus, fried cheese curds? You should just cut open your chest and shove them directly into your heart.

SN: Alright, I go…

Main entree: Taco Bell 1/2 Lb. Beef Combo Burrito
Side: KFC green beans
Dessert: Long John Silver’s Pineapple Cream Cheese Pie

We previously covered how Taco Bell’s “beef” is actually overflowing septage, so the choice for me was really what TB product incorporates the most shitty beef and other terrible products. I assume the “beef combo” label refers to the fact that there may be trace amounts of beef in the “combo,” but it mostly consists of human feces. This tempting burrito also features loads of fucking salmonella-laced beans and onions. Mmmm…delightful.

If I’m going to KFC (and I’m not, because Popeye’s makes Col. Sanders its bitch), I sure as shit am not going to get a vegetable that’s only tasty when it’s fresh and cooked properly. I like green beans when I steam them for like 5 minutes…but when they’re cooked by a retarded 17-year-old mother of 8, then sit in a steam tray for weeks, that
sounds awful. I don’t like vegetables to have the consistency of Play-Doh.

For desert, let me say that I would never get dessert at Long John Silver’s. Additionally, pineapple and cream cheese pie sounds gross. So, from Long John Silver’s, it just makes me want to retch.

SN: What if Grimace came on your box of cookies? Would that change your mind at all?

Did you know that Grimace, a fat purple slob, was developed in response to complaints about McDonaldland being devoid of minorities? Brilliant.

LD: (1) I am so annoyed that i didn’t realize that there WAS a Pineapple Cream Cheese Pie.  That would have been a great pick, because traditionally, that’s called a CHEESECAKE.  I wonder what’s different about this that requires the name change?
(2) That’s really how Grimace came about?  In a world with a clown, a white guy whose actual profession is “Hamburger Thief”, a mayor that’s actually an anthropomorphic cheeseburger, and twins are nothing more than a living mass of frys, we’re worried about minorities?  Do I even need to point out that the coolest guy in McDonaldland is THE MOON?  He drives a cool sports car and all, but I think it would be hard to pick up girls when you’ve caused an extinction-level-event by coming to the Earth’s surface and creating thousands of massive tsunamis.

E: Holy shit, the Moon. I totally forgot about that gangsta. Did we all think the Hamburglar was cool as shit growing up? Or am I just a sociopath.

LD: As a kid, I wondered why he couldn’t speak. As an adult, I think he’s an excellent philosophical question on the moral justification for crimes.  For instance “Is it wrong for a man to steal a loaf of bread so that his family may eat?”

I think that most of us agree that the answer is either “No.” or “Yes, steal something better and more nutritious next time, moron.”

But, if your entire career is predicated on being The Hamburglar, it seems incredibly unlikely that you could ever become rich.  In the first place, he only steals cooked hamburgers, which don’t really exist in bulk.  I suppose
he could stockpile on major barbecuing holidays, but even then, it’s a highly perishable object.  We c an also assume that he doesn’t sell them for any significant profit.  In the first place, it’s a robust market for an essentially commodified object.  Though his costs are low, his ability to produce (read as: steal) hamburgers is not sufficient to allow him significant profits.  Perhaps more importantly, since his name is The Hamburglar, it would be difficult for him to obtain a loan necessary to establishing a place of business for fencing his hamburgers.  Also, I would
not eat a hamburger that I bought from a man called The Hamburglar.  For one, I would be wary of whether it was properly prepared and maintained. A further concern is that, as I know he is The Hamburglar, he would probably steal it back from me after I made the purchase.

Where am I going with all this?  Well, assuming that the Hamburglar is not capable of leveraging his ham-burgling into a workable business, we must assume that he essentially exists at a subsistence level.  More likely than not, he is homeless, living from burger to burger.  In fact, his burger-acquisition ability is probably significantly hampered by his choice to wear a prison uniform at all time.  It clearly identifies him as exactly the type of person who would be likely to steal a hamburger.  So, if his theft of hamburgers is only successful  in providing him with food sufficient to prevent starvation, is it just for McDonaldland to keep locking him up?  I would argue no. Whether they need to look into proper social welfare programs (which may feed him, thus preventing such theft), mental health institutions (his choice of prison attire suggests severe personality problems), or simply a lenient criminal justice system when
concerning such de minimis offenses, McDonaldland has a deep, ugly problem that needs fixing.

Don’t even get me started on Wimpy from Popeye and the hamburger welfare state.

SN: I liked it when Homer beat the shit out of the Krustyburglar after seeing him trying to steal Krustyburgers. Now that was high comedy.

The next day…

SN: People I would least like to have the aforementioned meal with:
John Wayne Gacy
The guy who dressed up as a clown and took the ‘John 3:16′ sign to
sporting events, then later took someone hostage
A suicide bomber
E

A day later…

E: I am going to blow all of your mindholes with these picks. B/c I realize that I fucking love most fast food in a disgusting, disgusting way, so it’s only single elements that I hate.

Entree: Big Mac. I hate the sauce. I fucking hate it. I don’t know what it is, I don’t care, the “special”ness of it doesn’t mean shit to me. It is disgusting. A close second is anything with the disgusting globs of sour cream they put on everything at taco bell when you order it with sour cream, b/c I hate sour cream.

Side Dish: Cole slaw from anywhere. If you go to Long John’s Silvers or KFC, you can get cole slaw as a side. Which when you really think about it, what a fucking stupid side dish. Can you throw some diced cabbage and shit into a
pot of mayonaise and stir? Yum! Also, a Wendy’s baked potato is stupid in principle. I mean, you’re paying someone to literally throw a potato in the microwave you asshole. You’re at wendy’s order something fried like it’s your god given duty to do.

Dessert: I personally like the hershey’s pie. But I will say this, and it is an unpopular choice. Shamrock shake from McD’s. In fact, any seasonal shake from McD’s. This includes the pumpkin shake, the eggnog shake, um gross. Plus it’s green. If you’re at mcd’s ordering seasonal shakes, you have the gumption to walk over to a baskin robbins and get the 2800 calorie oreo shake and die the death you deserve.

LD: HOLY SHIT I LOVE SHAMROCK SHAKES I NEED ONE I AM CURRENTLY CHECKING TO SEE IF THEY ARE ON THE MENU.

E: I will admit to the audience, I actuually couldn’t think of a single dessert i hate. And under threat by the other bloggers, they said if I didn’t make my picks SN would get to decide my picks for me. Which I didn’t want to be done.
I don’t really have that much against a shamrock shake. But seriously, fuck Big Macs.

SN: Hells yeah, are they in season yet? Hey, fuck you E! This country was built on Shamrock Shake principles.

E: fuck eggnog shakes. In fact, fuck McD’s shakes. They fucking suck. Someone bring me a fucking frosty.

LD: I love that the Shamrock Shake’s mascot was Uncle O’Grimacey.  That stupid Mick.

SN: I have a feeling the Frosty will turn up on a list of good menu items in the future

Who do you hate more - Grimace or the Hamburglar?

E: fry guys

LD: Czechs.

SN: wow…great answers. seriously, i used to love killing the shit out of fry guys (confused with shy guys)

E: those fry guys, seriously, fucking annoying as shit.

SN: Who would win in a melee:  the kids from Slumdog Millionaire or every superhero ever fighting on the same side?

LD: I’m taking the slumdog kids, and here’s why:

Y: I take the slumdog kids as well, but primarily because it is written that they will win.  It’s written in fog on a mirror, but still, it is written.  Therefore, they win, no matter what else happens before the fight starts and ends.

LD: It would have to be written on the mirror that the superheroes would win, right?

1) It is highly unlikely that the slumdog kids would be able to find any kryptonite to repel Superman, or even have the ability to gain the knowledge that Superman can only be defeated by kryptonite.

2) Professor Xavier could totally enter their fragile minds and make them run off a cliff like lemmings if he wanted to.

3) The Incredible Hulk, in a fit of fury, would not discriminate against people attacking him, even supposing they were children. He would crush them with his massive feet.

4) I would like to see Gambit blow up the slumdog children with an exploding card. Warner Bros., are you listening?

I would, however, expect the following superheroes to perish in the battle: Aquaman, the Green Lantern, Rogue, Robin and the Silver Surfer.

LD: I’d be willing to bet that the vegas odds on Aquaman perishing are like, .8:1.  Have you seen the Ganges?

Also, I applaud you for such a bold pick.  Clearly, the momentum was on the side of the helpless infants in this battle, and it took a real iconoclast to choose the side with enough power to destroy the Earth 1000 times over.

SN: I’m just sayin…sometimes, we tend to take the emotional pick and root for the underdog. As much as I would like to see the underdog thrive, it would be more likely that the superheroes would be eating slumdog kabobs off of Wolverine’s claws when all was said and done.

LD: I would actually love to see that movie.  Just 90 minutes of horrible orphan slaughter.  It would be like the end of the first act of slumdog, actually.

SN: Yeah, but that was just sad. For entertainment value, the massacre would have to be justified.  One of the children walked on Bruce Wayne’s lawn, for instance.

N8: I’ve never trusted orphans, and I never will.  I could never forgive them…. for the death of my boy.

Or the U.S. government calls in the X-men and others to enforce a free-trade agreement that requires all of the children in East Asia to make Nikes for 20 hours a day.

SN: That would be sweet. I could definitely see Beast whipping young children as the sew shoes together.

LD: You know, how funny would it be if Batman’s parents murdered his favorite mugger, and he swore revenge on parents.  I mean, that would be stupid.  Why would they do that?

SN: They were jerks, that’s why. They signed up for a “game” similar to that in Hard Target, where they killed for fun. Bruce’s favorite mugger just happened to be a victim.

Arbitrarily determined winner:  Moviegoers everywhere!

Alex: Fuck you!!

Holy shit, no joke — I am not to be fucked with. The latest exhibit comes from a little locale named River City. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Perhaps you’ve heard of the tale of the guy that beat the shit out of an entire city to get back his girlfriend, who had been taken hostage? Yeah, well, that was me.

That’s right, I downloaded River City Ransom for the Virtual Console on the Wii. I’d never played it during its original run for the Nintendo Entertainment System. You’d never have been able to tell that, though, had you witnessed the fucking beating I put on every single member of every single gang in that god-forsaken town.

I started out getting a ransom letter from “Slick.” Yes, he threatened me with his gangs of students and evil bosses, but did I give a fuck? No, sure didn’t. He told me to “meet his demands…or else.” Well, I never really found out what that list of demands consisted of, but I hope it included me beating the ever-loving shit out of Slick, because that’s what fucking happened.

Was it reckless on my part, considering that I had to pick apart like 8 gangs to even get to Slick, and he had my girlfriend hostage? Well, I guess you could say that. But I wouldn’t say that to my fucking face, unless you’re somehow tougher than all of River City combined, asshole.

What’s the moral of the story? Well, if you’re a terrorist, you better know what the fuck you’re doing, because if you fuck with the wrong mother fucker, you’re gonna get fucked with. Yes, I think that’s pretty much it.

[I'm going to keep this review spoiler free for the most part, so feel free to read on if you haven't seen the movie or read the book]

It’s pretty much impossible to not fall into geeky hyperbole or fanboy bashing, maybe even simultaneously, when talking about Zack Snyder’s adaptation of The Watchmen. Long toted as the “unfilmable book,” Snyder has been all around the talk circuit speaking of his attention to remaining faithful to the seminal graphic novel, while also tweaking and in a few respects, greatly changing elements that made the book so revolutionary, both in structure and in message. So it’s with that kind of dichotomy that you have to approach The Watchmen, with a realization that it’s a complex work that has a backstory, as much in the content of the book itself as in the lore that’s been formed around its place as the epitome of comic book importance. And it’s with that split that I have to say the following completely noncommittal statement: The Watchmen is both a very good movie, and a moderately flawed movie in many, many respects. And the fact that it manages to reach neither the heights of a great movie, or the depths of a horrifically flawed disaster makes me both relieved and disappointed, which is a weird feeling to have walking out of a movie that’s become as big an event as this one. It’s oddly unsatisfying, even if the movie kind of was.

For those not familiar, the story follows a group of superheroes called The Watchmen, years after their disbandment when the government outlawed superheroes in the wake of their involvement in helping the U.S. win the Vietnam War. After the death of The Comedian, one of the heroes, Rorsach, believes that someone is trying to off former superheroes (or “masks,” as he refers to them), and goes to warn his former teammates, Ozymandias, Nite Owl, Silk Spectre and Dr. Manhattan. That’s the set up, and through the narrative of the story, we see the history of not only the characters themselves, but the nature of masks in U.S. history, as well as a finely developed sense of a country stuck in the depths of The Cold War in the 1980’s, with an entrenched President Nixon (after presidential term limits were abolished) at war with the U.S.S.R., and utilizing Dr. Manhattan’s godlike ability (gained from a nuclear accident) as the ultimate trump card in this game of nuclear warhead chicken. And if you think the setup is kinda confusing, then well shit….I really don’t know what to tell you about the story that forms from there.

In many ways, the story crafted by original author Alan Moore had no specific genre. It’s a hard boiled detective story and a character drama (as many comics were back in the day), but it is a deeply philosophical book that requires effort to fully understand. The book has no personal relatability to it, instead keeping your attention by flipping familiar comic book tropes and twisting the image of what a superhero was back when it was released, and still is today. But for those of you who read the comic now for the first time, especially if you don’t have a background in reading comics, there is a disconnect in the story. Snyder’s film stays with this idea, and some might say it was the wrong way to go about it. While reading a book is an active process, a film is very much a passive experience; we lean back in our chairs, we eat our popcorn, and we expect the film to pull US into IT, not the other way around (at least, a film of such a large studio backing like this one). The result is a movie that runs close to three hours that, save for a few sequences, require an effort to the extent that many may not be ready to give, or at least may not be expecting to give. And with no familiarity with the characters or the universe they exist in, you kinda have to figure it out as you engage with the narrative that’s being tossed around.

If you can get past this (and trust me, it’s not an easy hurdle), the movie does reward you with a flat out stunning aesthetic. I had questioned Snyder as the choice to take on this project, largely scoffing at his shiny, overproduced, and overly stylish turn at the enjoyable, but empty 300. Here, Snyder’s style actually makes sense. Where the book used the traditional style that illustrator Dave Gibbons employed, the movie is sleek and sophisticated in a way that translates the book’s central message of fear into an ominous and foreboding sense of standing dread, a sense of realism that, when mixed with Snyder’s style (the slow motion shots, the camera whips, the pronounced sense of depth in the darkness of his shots) makes the movie seem dynamic, without seeming LIKE a comic book. Being that the comic played with the structure of the boxes and text to play off the familiarity of comic books as a medium, Snyder is using the shell of a superhero movie and twisting it into something that’s both more real, and more ridiculous, which in step with the tone of this movie, MAKES SENSE. Kudos to Snyder, who also shows that he can direct one hell of an action sequence as well. The added action, mostly from Nite Owl and Silk Spectre, but also some stellar smaller scenes with Rorsach and an action sequence at the end, make the movie seem alive. There is simply no denying that this movie pops off the screen.

The performances are an expected mixed bag, with surprisingly fantastic performances by Patrick Wilson as Nite Owl and Jackie Earle Haley as Rorsach, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan playing The Comedian about as on the nose as you could ever imagine. Less effective are Matthew Goode, who was much better suited to play Veidt’s business side character than he was the mask Ozymandias, and Billy Crudup, who plays Dr. Manhattan (or, is CGI’d as Dr. Manhattan) a bit too low-key for my tastes. At the bottom of the barrel is Malin Akerman, who, um…can kick really well? It’s an ensemble cast that isn’t cluttered by a star that would overshadow the purpose of the movie (at one point, it was rumored that Tom Cruise was being talked about for Ozymandias, which I liked the idea at the time, would’ve been utterly disastrous). The performances are there to stay out of the way of the story, and the cast does a great job at hitting their marks, but also acting as their characters would. The “hurm” by Rorsach is exactly how I imagined it, Wilson’s plays Dreiberg’s modest desperation well, and Goode’s posture and tone were dead on as Veidt talked to 80’s corporate giants, turning venomous when questioned with just the right amount of softness to his voice.

But The Watchmen isn’t about any of the above, it’s about the act of engaging in a moral philosophy debate. And while playing off of the Cold War of the 1980’s, it translates to the modern war on terror surprisingly well. There’s a certain sense of surehandedness in the way the screenplay seems to know when to go dark, when to take itself a bit too seriously on purpose, and when to push the envelope to make the audience sit up and realize they aren’t watching a “nice” movie. And save for a few scenes (*cough*Akerman!), I actually believed this movie was pretty damn great through the first two acts. The third act manages to not fall apart, but gets its pacing completely thrown into the wood chipper (something I’m hoping will be fixed when Snyder releases his three and a half hour director’s cut on DVD) and the nuance gets replaced by the swinging sledgehammer of monologues and explanations that would’ve been unnecessary if the message was handled with a little more tact. It doesn’t ruin the movie by any means, but it definitely gives you a sense as you walk out the theater that the movie missed the mark in being great, and missed it by a fair amount.

In the end, The Watchmen is a movie that succeeds and fails like all movies do. Amidst all the handwringing and teeth gnashing by the geek community, it managed to be a surprisingly unoffensive movie to the diehard fans, with maybe just a shade too little for the people unfamiliar with the original material. It’s unfortunate, because somewhere in the middle is a place for people who can watch this movie and see it for what it is, not the mildly and at times, frustratingly disappointing film that could’ve taken comics to another level, and not the bafflingly confusing and bizarrely messed up narrative that newcomers will shake their head at. It’s in there, but I’m just not sure if that audience even exists.

Is it worth your time? Undeniably yes. But if you’re new to the Watchmen game, you’re going to have to sit down and think about what you just saw, and even then you may not believe its greatness until you simply go and read the book. Which should make you ask me, “Why don’t I just go read the book instead?” To which my only answer is, you’d miss a cool ass movie. I’m kinda sad that I can’t give a better reason than that, but at least glad that I can say that much.

A few weeks ago on the Howard Stern Show, Paul McCartney when asked about whether he played Rock Band replied “Well love, they’re making one about us, dippity doo” (ok, maybe that’s a paraphrase).

Well today, the questions have been answered.  With much peace and love, The Beatles: Rock Band will be released on 360, PS3 and Wii on September 9th of this year or 09.09.09 (as in Number 9).

Also a Limited Edition Premium bundle which will include instruments modeled after instruments used by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr throughout their career all for the small sum of $250.

The Beatles catalog is viewed as the Holy Grail of the music games.  Now that the game is a reality, I am outright giddy.  I just won’t be asking Ringo to sign my copy.

HE IS READING A MAGAZINE ABOUT HIMSELF.

PICK:

SN) According to Wikipedia it qualifies as a fast food restaurant, so that’s good enough for me…Big Boy. Has anyone actually ever eaten there? Are they really open, or do they just put up a plastic statue of a fat kid that people like to vandalize? That may be their only contribution to society — an outlet for trouble-making teens to take out their frustrations upon. Seriously, this giant fat kid with no sense of style is supposed to lure me into your restaurant? I think not. I would kick him it the nuts if it didn’t hurt my foot to do so.

LD) I wonder if red-and-white tablecloth check overalls were ever stylish.  Someone that fat should really opt for vertical stripes, anyways.

Banks) I was all set to ruin your self-esteem by making a mother-related joke about about fast food pick here, but honestly, I don’t get the Big Boy thing either.  What’s creepiest about it is the fact that it doesn’t have one name.  There’s a Shoney’s Big Boy, a Bob’s Big Boy, etc.  Are they even part of the same corporate entity?  It’s hard enough wondering where the hands have been that touched my sausage patties, but I wouldn’t even know whom to sue if I got sick.  What are you being so evasive about, Big Boy?

This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face.

STAVROS!

Street Fighter

This image brought to you by awesome airbrushed t-shirts.

Double Team
Double Team
Double Team

Bloodsport
Kickboxer
Lionheart

Tempted to take Double Team, but just couldn’t do it, because I only
like it in the sense that it’s an awful movie

Banks) Please.  If my list had a 4 and a 5, they’d be Double Impact and Kickboxer.  Double Team was made at a time when Van Damme was out of his mind on blow.  I don’t know about you guys, but I say NO to drugs.

LD) That would go a long way towards explaining the basketball-shaped parachute that he and Rodman used to jump out of a plane.

SN) Mickey Rourke. Tigers. Land mines. Dennis Rodman. Dane Cook. ‘Nuff said.

Whoops, Dane Cook isn’t in Double Team, I was thinking of that other Dennis Rodman gem, Simon Sez. I still hate him though.

One's a veteran, just days from retirement. One's a rookie who doesn't play by the rules. Together, they just might be able to make things right.

N8) I’m too late for this:

Double Impact (”Twice the Van Dammage”)
Bloodsport
Hard Target

Banks) I’m not sure if we’re still picking here, but:

In the 90s, airbrushed singlets with a picture of a morningstar that is ALSO a yin-yang were all the rage.

[And the site's authors just kind of slowly wandered away at this point, never to be heard from again...]

Banks) I didn’t think anybody jumped in.  N8 and I just chimed in to rag on the picks, which I thought was half the point.

LD) I dig that too, keep it up.

SN) Word. I thought you might like to get in this round though.

Banks) I’m down, so long as my pick isn’t required until after 1:30.

E) Holy shit, just start the round already. Everyone jump in when ever, we’ll count it, unless it’s the SAME PICK AS SOMEONE ELSE’S EARLIER AND OFFICIALLY IN THE ROUND, in that case, that person’s pick gets to be the official pick.

LD) I propose we establish a draft structure committee to form a preliminary set of guidelines by which we will set out the process for establishing the rules of the draft.  Mostly because I want E to off himself.

E) Said committee will be formed by a vote of 2/3 majority, but only after a 3/4 quorum is present.

LD) Unless a referendum is put before our readers who support the formation of said committee.  The vote will be held on the 3rd sunday following the vernal equinox.

E) I hereby filibuster this request to establish the rules of the referendum by reading from A Tale of Two Cities…

…it was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

SN) “It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times? You stupid monkey!”

Note the awesome ad for "Bacon Cheeseburger"

PICK:

SN) Roy Rogers. Seriously, we already have Arby’s.  Mmmmm…Arby’s…horsey sauce….Big Montana…Big Beef’N'Cheddar…  But Roy Rogers? Who the hell goes there? Not me, sir, not me. I know where I’m getting my roast beef sandwiches, and it ain’t there. And if I were going to name a restaurant after a famous cowboy actor, it would definitely be after Clint Eastwood. Therefore, I see no problem shutting the establishment down and putting thousands out of business.

SN) “It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times? You stupid monkey!”

LD) Roy Rogers is a great pick.  It’s tough to recall the obscure and shitty fast food chains.  I would banish Arby’s if it meant that I could get Rax back.  GOD I WANT A BIG MONTANA NAO.

SN) Nobody stax up to Rax.

E) I just want to say if anyone picks Arby’s, I will come to your house and murder you until you’re dead.

Make that FOUR Ingredients

PICK:

LD) Taco Bell!  I’m not going to lie, I love many Taco Bell products, but the key to eating at that restaurant is to GET THE CHICKEN.  I don’t know what that chunky brown liquid is that they call beef, but my best guess is that it’s what was once called “Lil’ Lisa’s Slurry”.  The important part is recognizing that it is not food.

I think The Onion summed up Taco Bell in one headline:

TACO BELL’S FIVE INGREDIENTS COMBINED IN TOTALLY NEW WAY

Banks) It’s worth noting that I’ve never seen a free-standing Roy Rogers in all my years of motor travel in this great nation of ours.  I’ve only ever seen them as part of service centers in the more rural tendrils of our highway system.  Which is Roy Rogers basically saying, “Look, we know it sucks too, so we’re only going to sell to you where you have no other options.”

SN) What see we invade a Roy Rogers (there’s only like 50 of them left) all dressed up as Native Americans with bow and arrows and shit?

LD) Is this the beginning of secession or something?  Because, if so, I’m in.

E) Fact: I have never eaten at a roy rogers.

SN) I would miss some items at Taco Bell — chicken ones, that is. Yes, never get the beef. And those commercials where douchebags bring their own triple steak burritos to a steakhouse are just offensive. For one, because Taco Bell meat sucks. And two, they’re drinking coke with steak. Get some cabernet you no-class-having muthafuckas!!!

LD) Also, seriously, preferring a $1.99 steak burrito to a $30 filet because you get MORE steak?  The law of diminishing returns suggests that we should want as little steak as possible for $1.99.  Otherwise, we run the risk of getting as much tapeworm as possible.

...

PICK:
E) KFC - why? Because Popeye’s, that’s why. And also, those KFC bowls, I know it’s a Patton Oswalt bit, but really, fuck you mashed potato chicken chunk gravy bowl. That’s just shameful.

Plus, I don’t even LIKE their chicken. The drumsticks are too greasy and the breasts are too dry. POPEYE’S SON. CHURCH’S SON. YOU’RE JUST OBSOLETE, COLONEL SANDERS.   But seriously, has anyone actually HAD KFC lately? It’s not good chicken. not even in that “this is terrible food but awesome” way that at least taco bell was.

LD) KFC does not go in my body.  I am not a health nut, but there are lines.  My rule against KFC is my Maginot Line, except it works.

SN) It fucking pales to Popeye’s, that’s for sure.

Against the odds, this is actually Famine, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

SN) Long John Silver’s has fucking hush puppies that are the shit. No, I haven’t been there in years, but maybe I’d like to go again sometime.

E) Wait, does that mean Captain D’s is gone too? B/c I love Captain D’s. MOstly for the hush puppies.

LD) I haven’t been since I was a child, but I LOVED it.  I could never tell whether I liked the chicken or the fish, though, which says a lot about what you’re getting from that joint.

Don’t forget the west coast equivalent, SHOVEMYCOCKINYOURMOUTH N’ CHIPS

What IS this place?

PICK?:

JC) I feel that Krystal, only b/c I grew up with White Castle, is a low rent version of White Castle and thus should be eliminated from the face of the earth.  I have no other evidence to back up my argument.

SN) Catfish for breakfast is the bomb. What’s up, Cracker Barrel.

E) Man, FUCK cracker barrel.

JC) Woman, Fuck You

LD) Although, really, if you’re looking to find a restaurant full of crackers, that’s where you start.

SN) Fuck Cracker Barrel? Fuck you! I don’t give a shit about the other clientele, but if you’re severely hungover and need some greasy-ass food to calm your stomach, Cracker Barrel is the place to go.

E) Also, if you need various flavors of hard candy or a rocking chair.

LD) I believe they also rent books on tape.  Which is like playing chess using the rules for checkers.

Banks) Cracker Barrel should be taken out of this discussion altogether since there’s no way any place that makes you wait two hours or more should be considered fast food.  The upside is, if you go enough you can become a world champion checkers player.

SN) Have we blown our fast food wad?

LD) I hope not, ‘cuz fuck Sbarro.

The joke is on you...it's all Bourbon Chicken

PICK:

E) ANY CHINESE RESTAURANT AT A MALL FOOD COURT.

This is ironic, b/c they seriously try to give you as much food as possible, most of it being meat. Big chunks of teriyaki chicken or fried chicken or whatever. In most instances, this would be awesome, but the problem is that it all tastes the same, salty, bland, mildly nauseating food that somehow, when you walk by, it kind of makes you want to eat it. On top of that, being that you’re basically eating a plate of salt, they give you your drink in a medium styrofoam cup that’s filled over the top with ice, effectively giving you two good sips of soda or water.

Oh, and fuck your duck sauce.

SN) Is duck sauce different from Polynesian sauce? How could you hate on Panda Express? Their food all tastes the same? I’ll bet all Asians look alike to you, don’t they, E? I don’t see people outside of Subway giving away free samples to lure you in.

E) Duck sauce is not polynesian sauce. Get your shit straight.
THIS HONKEE GRANDMA BE TRIPPIN’!!!!

SN) Who dat ninja?

I kind of want to put this into a KFC Famous Bowl

PICK:

LD) Sbarro.  This will be hilariously hypocritical of me, but when you do one thing and do it well, you stick to it.  Sbarro makes the pizza equivalent of a Steven Seagal movie: it’s awful, but every once in a while, you can really enjoy it.  But, why do they have all this other garbage food?  Has ANYONE ever ordered chicken alfredo from Sbarro?  Lasagna?  The answer is that we’ll never know, because you wouldn’t survive the experience.  Everything that restaurant does other than serve pizza annoys me.  Plus, the pizza is like 5 bucks a slice.

SN) What, in your infinite wisdom, would you suggest to be the right number of menu items? Please let us all know, I’m sure the fast food industry is eagerly awaiting your answer as well.

LD) 5.

Banks) At least Sbarro isn’t riding any trends.  They’ve sold horrifically awful non-pizza items as long as I can remember.  That’s the kind of ignorant, quality-blind stick-to-it-iveness our economy needs, Sbarro!

E) Plus, it’s fun to say. SBARRO! I’ve sadly had the chicken something there. And I’ve sadly…kinda enjoyed it. BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO. FUCK YOU SBARRO!

I hate their pizza.

JC) Sbarro and any buffet style Italian joint are insults to cuisine.  And this comes from someone who is dead set on getting white castle for lunch.

LD) The best thing about Sbarro is that they have their own line of bottled juice-esque drinks that still look like they came from the 80’s.  They might just look like that because they remain unsold.

Banks) How can you HATE Sbarro?  It’s like hating beige.

LD) That’s just it!  I have no time for mediocrity!  Mediocrity erodes the soul, fooling us into accepting less than we deserve.  By eliminating the mediocre, we can clearly delineate between the awesome (Arby’s) and the shit (All other fast food).  Mankind’s progress will only be hastened by the destruction of the median.

SN) You can get gonorrhea from Sbarro’s pizza. Or at least that’s what I told my ex-girlfriend.

LD) That still didn’t explain how she ended up being host to Kuato.

JC) SN.  SN.  Start the reactor.  Free Mars…  And why does it burn down there?

N8) Shit, I’ve got five kids to feed.

END ROUND THREE, PART ONE.  Tomorrow: Insanity.